SUMMER FEVER

6 | THEN

SUMMER VAN DOREN
15 years ago

I've always had a strong need for validation. A gnawing hunger that twists within me like a relentless serpent. A desire that coils around my thoughts, squeezing the air from my lungs, leaving me gasping for recognition in a world that often feels indifferent, even callous.

But that summer, when I was just six years old, that need for validation morphed into something darker, more insidious. It wasn't just a longing for acceptance; it was a craving that consumed me, driving me to desperate measures to seek out the approval I so desperately desired.

I remember the summer days stretching out before me, each one tinged with the bitter taste of disappointment as I chased after fleeting moments of validation. Whether it was through seeking praise from adults or vying for attention from my peers, I was willing to do whatever it took to fill the gaping void within me.

As the summer sun beat down relentlessly, so too did the weight of my relentless quest for validation, twisting my innocent desires into something toxic and all-consuming. And though I may have been just a child, the seeds of my dependency on external validation were firmly planted, setting the stage for a lifelong struggle with self-worth and identity.

Each fleeting moment of recognition served as a temporary balm for my wounded soul, yet it was never enough to fill the void within me.

As the summer days stretched on, I became increasingly desperate, willing to sacrifice my own well-being in exchange for even the smallest crumbs of affirmation. My sense of self-worth became intricately tied to the validation of others, leaving me vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation.

But amidst the chaos of my quest for validation, there were moments of clarity, flickering glimpses of self-awareness that hinted at the destructive nature of my obsession. Yet, like a moth drawn to a flame, I was unable to resist the allure of external validation, even as it threatened to consume me.

Reflecting on why my need for validation spiraled into such toxicity, I can't help but wonder how it all went awry. After all, I was fortunate to have loving, validating parents who showered me with affection and praise.

Yet, somewhere along the way, the external validation they provided became insufficient, unable to fill the void that had taken root within me. Perhaps it was the pressure to conform to societal standards or the relentless comparison to others that fueled my insatiable hunger for approval.

Despite their best intentions, my parents couldn't shield me from the harsh realities of the world, nor could they protect me from the internal struggles that threatened to consume me. In their absence, I sought validation elsewhere, grasping desperately at fleeting moments of recognition to numb the ache of emptiness that gnawed at my soul.

In my quest for validation, I would often go to great lengths to garner attention from strangers, resorting to unconventional tactics in the hopes of receiving praise and recognition.

One of my more audacious endeavors involved sneaking into neighbors' gardens under the guise of planting flowers. Armed with a handful of colorful blooms, I would carefully tend to the soil, hoping that my efforts would be met with admiration and gratitude from the unsuspecting homeowners.

On other occasions, I would offer to run errands for elderly neighbors, eagerly volunteering to fetch groceries or walk their dogs in exchange for a word of praise or a pat on the back. The sense of validation that accompanied their expressions of gratitude was like a sweet elixir, momentarily easing the ache of emptiness that gnawed at my soul.