CHAPTER 18 | MECHANICAL FUNCTIONING
"The sadness that I thought I had left behind resurfaces like a wave,
crashing over me and pulling me under once again."-----
{ Trigger Warning: Self-harm mental illness, depression }
T A E - H O ' S P E R S P E C T I V E
O V E R the past week, I had been a slave to my emotions. I was at the mercy of four distinct and overwhelming feelings -utter passivity; where nothing would get to me. I was a shell of the person I once was, with a heart that had turned to stone. I walked through life with a blank expression, feeling nothing at all.
Utter belligerence; where I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. I was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any moment. The slightest provocation was enough to set me off, and I found myself lashing out at those around me. I knew I was hurting them, but I couldn't stop myself.
Utter sadness; where I would be so deep into the pit I dug for myself and nothing could get me out of there except for time itself... I was drowning in a sea of despair, unable to find my way back to the surface. Every breath was a struggle, every moment a torment. I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare, with no hope of escape.
Intense fear; the fear was a living, breathing thing that wound its way around my heart, squeezing tight until I thought I might collapse. It was a force that begged for attention, demanded to be felt, and I was powerless to resist its pull. I would have done anything to shake it off, to rid myself of its crushing weight. Even if it meant doing something harmful to me, I would have done it. Anything to erase the fear that reoccurred in my chest, day after day, night after night.
Each of these emotions was like a button that I would press to deal with the random moments of my day. But I didn't get to choose which button to push; I just functioned mechanically, like a robot, pushing one button after the other.
The worst thing about these emotions was that I had no control over them. They were like a raging river that swept me away, and I was powerless to stop them.
Today was no different. I pushed all the buttons, one after the other.
When the day began, I found myself sitting in my room, staring at the wall. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me, following me. It was probably just my imagination, but I couldn't help the fear that crept up on me. It was like a dark cloud that hung over my head, threatening to rain down on me at any moment.
I was slipping deeper and deeper into the pit of despair. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was alone, that nobody understood what I was going through.
But then, out of nowhere, just like any other day -I felt a surge of intense aggression. I started to get angry, to feel like I was going to lose control. I couldn't let that happen. I had to push that button down and try to calm myself.
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