Lower Your Eyes (A Loki Romance Fanfic)

Chapter Twenty-Two: In the Dark of Night

For a moment, Loki merely stared at me. I couldn't decipher the look on his face, whether it was disappointment or anger I saw tightening in his features. "I agree," he said after a moment.

"You what?"

"I agree." He rose from the chair and approached me. "The conviction in our choices defines who and what we are. You are what you choose to be—as am I, as is every living creature that lives within these Nine Realms."

He stepped closer and continued, "If not for you, I'd have carried on as I always have. If you die, I will continue in the same spirit—doing whatever I please and pursuing what I want to pursue. Making the choices I wish to make. You speak of this marriage as though it is a burden, but you clearly don't know well enough to understand that marriage itself has been the furthest priority from my mind—and continues to be so. Can you guess why?"

I held his stare for a moment, then shook my head. I couldn't deny his words stung a little, but the control he held on his own frustration was starting to loosen.

"Because I have always had far more important matters to contend with—something you must understand, now that you're in the same position," he said. "Perhaps you sought to hurt me with your words just now, or perhaps you're reveling in what you think is a hopeless situation. Perhaps you wish me to offer you comfort in light of the difficult truths I spoke of in the arena—but I regret to inform you that you've failed in all of the above, because there's only so much I can help you with. There's only so much anyone can do before it's time for you to stand and fight for your own life. To stop cowering and start coming up with solutions."

Loki gestured toward the books. "This was a start," he said. "And by all means, do not marry me if you think that will bring you comfort while you search for your answers. If you think it will give you less of a future to mourn. But I will do no such thing—because despite all this, my priority lies in keeping you alive, and I will continue in that as I always have, relentless of the obstacles that stand in my way. Nothing else matters."

The emerald of his eyes glittered in the sunlight as he peered down at me, his face now completely washed of emotion. "I know you're worried," I said, my voice barely a whisper. I could feel it in the charged manner with which he was speaking to me, the words he used and how he spoke them—every ounce of frustration was escaping him. Weeks' worth—months' worth. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all those things. You and your brother and the queen have tried hard for me, I should be trying to be deserving of it."

Loki's expression didn't change as he walked right by me.

I whirled after him. "Where are you going?"

"You'll forgive me if this conversation hasn't left me in an affectionate mood," Loki said, looking back over his shoulder. I'd never seen him look so dour in my direction. "We'll talk later."

"I'm sorry," I said, even as he turned and walked away, the library doors slamming shut behind him.

***

Fear was not an emotion that Loki was well acquainted with. When faced with fear, he often answered with an equally potent emotion: anger. Nothing could fill the crevices of the heard as thoroughly as anger—the question was, who was he angry with? Aila, for her doubt and sorrow? The king, for the schemes that the law of his land permits? Himself, for starting this whole thing?

Loki stormed through the doors of his chambers and looked around the room. The fireplace sprang to life with a wave of his hand, warming the space as he paced back and forth within it, the edges of his cloak swinging back and forth. In the farthest corners of his heart, Loki knew that Aila wasn't entirely wrong—if she died, then all of this will have been for nothing. Their marriage will have been pointless. All their fighting and suffering will have amounted to more pain and suffering.