Under the Stars

17: Returning Home

While they were not as nimble of players as Stevien, Jeremiah and Tyrus were a sight to see on the field. Jeremiah was a midfielder and Tyrus was a forward. They had this knack on the field to always know where the other was going to be, so during Jeremiah's senior year, they carried the team to the state finals. During the final game, Jeremiah passed the ball upfield to where he thought Tyrus would be, only to find Tyrus on the ground holding his knee. It was a non-contact injury. Tyrus had simply twisted his leg and felt a "pop" in his knee.

After the injury break, Jeremiah had taken it upon himself to keep the team on top. He rallied the team to win by one goal in extra time. Stevien always told me it was a game of minutes, and after watching that game, I knew why. Watching them play reminded me of all the games I went to. The only reason I went was to see Stevien play and it made me miss him, a feeling that I had not had in almost a year.

Rocky and I's world tour did wonders for me that I had not realized at the time. Since my adventures, I had a newfound confidence, I decided to write to Stevien to tell him what had been on my mind. I hoped that I would hear back from him, though I was not about to hold my breath for it. I asked Mr. Jones if he would address it for me. After our talk, shortly after graduation, Mr. Jones had an idea of why I was asking. He addressed the envelope for me and handed it back with a smile. After giving him my thanks, I headed back to my apartment to write out what I had been unable to say to Stevien, wishing he would read it before throwing it away.

Dear Stev,

I know you are probably looking at the envelope and wondering "What the heck?" I also know you are thinking something along the lines of "Why is she writing to me now? I don't want to hear from her?" But, I urge you to read this whole letter. I don't want you to write me off forever without knowing what I was going through. So, please read through my ramblings. It is the last time I will ask anything of you.

Remember our junior prom? That was probably one of the best nights of my life, even considering the panic attack. I don't know if you remember, but we danced together for one dance. I have no other words to describe what I was feeling other than "simply magical." I never thought that I would love dancing at a school dance so much, but you were the reason for that. I could do anything with you and love it. I think you knew that. At the end of the dance, you looked into my eyes. It felt like you were looking into my soul. Something was happening at that moment. Something that, to this day, I still cannot wrap my head around. And then, I don't know, maybe I was imagining it, but I thought, for a second, that you were going to kiss me. My heart was beating so hard that I thought you could hear it over the music. I know, now, that I was foolish for thinking that, but I was in love with you. I told you that after you fell asleep on my lap, as I ran my fingers through your hair. That night was simply the best, aside from Beth-Ann. She never liked me. I don't know if you knew, but she hated me (still probably does), and she always made sure that I knew it, but that is a story for another time.

Do you remember the next morning? When I came to wake you up? I told you that you had talked in your sleep. You were worried that you said something incriminating. I told you no, but I lied. You did indeed talk in your sleep and you did say something, something that I wanted to hear again. You said "El, please don't cry. I love you." You said that you loved me. I wished so hard that it was true, that you did love me and that you would ask me to be your girl but that never happened. What did happen was Beth-Ann.

Do you remember telling me that you would never be embarrassed to call me your best friend? Well, that must have been a lie as much as saying that you loved me. Gosh, I honestly don't know what I did. I can think of nothing that would cause you to write me off like that or cause you to treat me like I never existed in your life. Nothing should have made our friendship of over 12 years feel like it never happened to you. I don't know if it was Beth-Ann or someone or something else, but after the accident that your parents and I were in, you completely shut me out. To be fair, you were already slowly doing that before the accident whether you realized it or not. However, after that horrible moment, I was nothing to you.

I want you to know that I did everything I could to help your parents after the wreck happened. I was so terrified of them being hurt. For goodness sake, they were like my own parents. Your mom always treated me like her daughter. Your mom was like a mom to me. I don't remember my mom at all, so I thought of your mom like mine. It was the hardest thing I had to see in my life, and you must have known how shaken up it made me. But after that, you merely ignored me, my existence. In all the time between the accident and your graduation party, you only spoke to me once when it wasn't forced. At senior prom, you complimented me. I could not believe it. I was thankful for it, but it was a bright, fleeting moment.

I tried to talk to you at your graduation party, as you know, but once again, I was nothing to you. Beth-Ann sure made that abundantly clear, but the worst part was you saw her belittle me, yet you did nothing. That was the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. I kept holding on, hoping that we could get our friendship back, but that moment made me realize that it would be nearly impossible for that to happen. The final stitch that held it together finally broke, and it took my heart with it.

I wanted you to know this, even though you don't care, and you will probably just throw this away once you see it's from me. I needed to tell you. I needed to get this weight off my shoulders. It has been weighing me down for a while now. I didn't realize that I needed it, but it feels good to get that off my chest.

I don't understand what happened nearly two years ago, but I will understand if you choose to not contact me ever again. Especially after I poured my heart out to you. However, I want you to know that I forgive you. And for whatever I did or whatever it was that caused our falling out, I am truly sorry. I hope and wish that one day you will find it in your heart to be able to forgive me. I loved being your friend and miss our friendship, and someday, I hope that we can become friends again.

Sincerely Yours,

El

PS. I have kept track of your baseball career at Harvard. You always amazed me with your skills. You are an outstanding player and I hope you keep it up. I will always root for you. I still do, even if it is from across the country or even from the shadows. You deserve nothing but the best Stev, always. In everything you do. Always the best for you.

I wrote the letter and placed it in the mailbox before I could second guess my actions. As soon as the letter dropped into the mailbox, I took a deep breath. I finally felt at peace. After holding in those thoughts for so long, I was relieved. It felt like a very heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally was able to breathe without the weight of the world sitting on my chest. 

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