|Eight|

•Week Five• (2)

My eyelids felt heavy, but I couldn't rest. A part of me physically couldn't. I couldn't pull my eyes away from Jack, no matter how hard I tried. Color was coming back into his cheeks, but he was still mostly pale.

I snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes catching slight movement by Jack. He had been out cold for what seemed like several hours, so seeing him twitch sent a shock wave through my body. I shook Ryan awake, and he groggily sat up, yawning.

"What?" He groaned in annoyance.

I pointed at Jack, unable to form words. Ryan's eyes widened and he leaned closer against the bedside. "Jack?" He whispered, obviously terrified. We were both hoping so much. Ryan was hoping he was okay, and I was hoping that I really saw what I think I did.

We both stared at Jack, impatiently waiting for him to move again. My breath caught in my throat, and I was unable to move it speak. My heart was beating faster and faster, confusing my mind and body. Why was I so scared? Everything was fine, Jack's body was moving. That's a good thing, and I should be happy.

But I'm not. Instead, I'm scared and confused. Why?

I couldn't blink. Time seemed to slow as I tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Was I just in shock still? Why wasn't I happy? Why didn't I cry at all? Am I really heartless?

I know, I know....

I knew the answer to why I was absolutely terrified about Jack waking up. It was so obvious to me, but I just wanted to ignore it. I didn't want my mind to torment me about it.

I was so fucking scared Jack would wake up and see me like this. He didn't want me near him anymore, not now and maybe not ever. I had hurt him more than anyone, and the thought of him waking up and still being devastated by what I've done made my heart hurt. He would tell me to go away again, and the first time he screamed at me to get away from him had hurt, but if he did it again, this time--when I was broken and grieving over him--would absolutely destroy me.

The reason I was so scared was because I knew Jack didn't want to see me. He didn't want me to be here, but I didn't want to leave him. I never want to leave him again.

I have to leave.

I shakily stood up, finally pulling my eyes away. Ryan gave me a concerned look, but I ignored him.

When I didn't acknowledge him, he grabbed my hand. "Adam? What's wrong?"

I couldn't tell him. I didn't know how to explain, but I knew Jack would happily tell Ryan all about how he loathed me. About how he never wants to see me again.

I knew that if I stayed here with them, Jack would wake up and see me, and he wouldn't be able to hide his disappointment. He was disappointed I was still here, that I was still breathing.

He hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me, he hates me.

A deep, heart-wrenching pain broke through me. You know that pain where you love someone more than anything, but they despise you? That's what the pain felt like, but ten times worse.

When did I change from a brother Jack had always looked up to, into a heartless murderer he hates?

"I have to go," was all I said, prying my hand away.

Ryan frantically stood up. "What?!"

I let out a small breath, trying to hold in my tears. (Because for some reason my body finally decided to let me cry) "I have to go."

"Why?" Ryan asked, his voice hinting on devastation. "Why are you leaving us again? Do you really care that little about us? "

I winced. That hurt.

"No, that's not it- I- it's just that I-"

"It's just what? Jack is.............. Jack is dying," he said struggling to get the last part out. We were both trying to ignore the fact that these might be Jack's last breaths. "And you want to leave? We need you here, he needs you here."

I sadly smiled, giving Jack one last look. "Maybe........." I took a deep breath, my body starting to freeze up. "Maybe he did once. Maybe he needed me this morning, maybe he needed me yesterday. But now?" I slowly walked over to his hospital bed, giving Jack's hand a little squeeze goodbye. "Now he doesn't.".

I let go, which was the hardest thing I've ever done. Jack didn't need me anymore because I was the reason he wasn't happy. The only thing that would make him feel safe and better was if he woke up and I was gone, which is exactly what was going to happen.

Ryan looked crushed, reaching for my hand again. I moved away from him and over to the door. Why was he pretending to want me here still? Didn't he realize I should've never been a part of their lives?

"Adam, please. You know I can't do this alone. I need you," he whispered the last part, but it felt like he screamed it at me.

I didn't listen to him. Well, I tried not to listen to him. His words eased the pain that was rising in me, but I knew he was lying. Why would he ever need me?

I didn't stay long enough to find out the answer to my question. I exited into the cold, dimly lit hall, my legs still shaking. I could hear Ryan's muffled screams (much like the ones from when he found Jack's body) telling me to come back, but I did my best to ignore him, which was understandably difficult. I knew he wouldn't come after me since he wouldn't dare leave Jack's side, so I didn't have to deal with them anymore.

I didn't have to deal with them anymore. Why did I think that? My mind was acting like they were a burden to me, but they weren't. I was the burden, that's why I'm leave......

........ For good.

Of course I had to leave them, I was a murderer, a monster. I didn't deserve to be near them, I'd corrupt them if I stayed any longer.

I needed to move on and forgot about them. Forever.

I walked over to the door with the stairs leading downward, stumbling through the hallway and trying to stay out of sight. There were policemen here, and I couldn't risk getting caught.

I paused. Wait, why couldn't I? It's not like I had anything or anyone anymore. Jack and Ryan weren't my brothers, they were just strangers and passing faces on the subway. I was alone because they didn't want me, so now, I had no reason not to serve my sentence. I had no reason to fight.

I shook my head. I had to stop the killer first, and then I'd turn myself in and face the consequences. If I didn't stop Jasper, he'd continue to torment Ryan and Jack. One more murder couldn't hurt, right? I'll kill Jasper, then turn myself in. That takes two harmful people out of Ryan and Jack's lives forever.

I leaned against the cold door, trying to relax my racing mind. I felt a fever coming on and my whole body ached from shaking constantly. I needed to continue, but I couldn't.

I couldn't pretend I was never a part of their lives, even if it stopped them from getting hurt. I was being selfish for wanting to stay, I knew that, but I couldn't help it. They had always been there for me, we did everything together, they made me happy. Life without them just wasn't........ Worth living.

I realized that now. They were the reason I was happy with being alive, and now without them, everything seemed to turn gray. Did it really matter if I continued living? Was there really even a point? Without them, there wasn't.

I couldn't go back and hurt them over and over and over again, and I couldn't move forward with anything.

I unknowingly began to play with the knife in my pocket, the cold blade sending shivers down my arms. I had planned on using it on Jasper moments ago, but now, my mind screamed at me to use it on myself.

(Next chapter is a pt two of this so there won't be any build up.)