Our Darkest Memories

~ Lost Memory

It was very appealing, I admit. Never walking in the rain again with soaking clothes. I sighed again, scolding myself for giving in.
"Fine. But I won't drive, I'll just teach you the theory."

15 Minutes later I was sitting behind the steering wheel of an old Subaru with a face like I was the biggest sourpuss in the world. Don't ask me how, but they had convinced me to do a practice round.

I took in a breath, clasped my hands around the steering wheel and put my feet at the gas and brake pedals.
We were on an almost empty parking spot in front of an abandoned KFC and I did not feel right at all.

My mind was haunted by a million thoughts about what could go wrong. Let's just say that my confidence in driving was very low. The last time I drove, I hit almost everything that was in the way. A car reacts very differently than, say, a bike.
I checked in the rearview mirror if Raiden and Blaze had their seatbelts on. I didn't want to crash and cause them to get seriously injured. That's also why I made them sit in the back.

My breathing was a little irregular, and I tried to calm myself, ignoring the sweat in my hand palms. I don't know why I was so stressed about this.

Raiden and Blaze didn't seem to notice, because they were cheerfully chatting in the back. I turned away from them and focused on the road in front of me and the car that I was in.

It felt uncomfortable. I tried to think of everything my grandma had taught me. She taught me that the most important things are the steering wheel, the pedals, and the clutch.

I slowly pushed down my right foot on the gas pedal and the car began moving. Immediately I grabbed the wheel even tighter, even though we weren't going fast at all.

Blaze and Raiden looked with fascination at that one action that I performed.

Just wait until you also have to steer, look at the road, keep an eye on your speed and everything else, I thought bitterly.

After about 10 minutes of driving at a slow speed, I stopped the car.
"I think that's enough."

"Ahww, we want more," Raiden and Blaze started pouting.

"Nope. No no no. Definitely not. I only said to teach you and that was it."

I moved to the passenger's seat, while Raiden swapped seats with me. He looked puzzled at every button and handle and pedal.

"So this is the steering wheel," I pointed.

"You don't say..." Raiden looked at me like I just insulted him. "I'm not completely dumb."

"Oh really? Because sometimes, your behavior seems like that."

He gave me a playful tap on my cheek.

"Hey, hasn't anybody told you to not hit your teacher?" I rubbed my cheek.
"You better behave well or no lessons for you mister."

He growled something I couldn't hear, but I paid no attention to it.
I started patiently pointing out everything I knew what was in the car, and this time he listened carefully, not interrupting me, even if I was explaining the simplest things. It was like I did the exact lesson my grandma gave me, only I could use a real car for my explanation. After naming everything and its purpose, I took a deep breath.

"So now, onto driving. It's probably gonna take a while before you completely master it, but the basics will get you far already."

I started to point out everything again, and after a while of listening, I finally allowed Raiden to push the gas pedal. The car started to roll forward a little too fast for my liking.

"Slower," I demanded.

"Yes, ma'am."

I heard Blaze softly chuckle behind me, but paid no attention to it.

"More to the right. Don't hit the brake too fast. Slower. Go to the left."

After a whole day of giving instructions, Raiden's driving was definitely improved. He groaned when he realized it was only the basics, but I reassured him it wasn't gonna be much harder. Now I was sitting behind the wheel again. I promised to drive us to a place away from the road. Blaze had fallen asleep on the back seat and Raiden was still watching every action I did with great interest.

"How did you learn this?"
Raiden's voice broke the silence that had been hanging in the air.

"My grandma taught me," I answered without looking up.

"Your grandma sounds like she was an important person in your life."

"She was," I admitted.

My grandma had been my only parental figure, and also my only role model. She was caring and kind. Losing her was probably the hardest thing that happened in my life, but I needed to be strong for Blaze.

He interrupted my thoughts.
"And your parents?"

I flinched a little, but he didn't seem to notice. We didn't exactly bring up our parents to Raiden and I wasn't planning to.

"Our parents were definitely memorable." No lies there. Absentmindedly, I started to bite my nails. "They were tough on us, but whose parents aren't, right? Always busy with their job, but they were our parents, you know?"

"Yeah, as a kid you never appreciate them enough. You only think about your early curfew and things like that, but looking back, you appreciate them anyway."

He had a shy smile around his lips. Maybe he was thinking about his parents, but I could not relate.

With him lost in thoughts, I focused on the road again and realized that the feeling of driving a car was growing on me. Even though it was only a car, it made me content, because it made me feel that I was the one in charge.
I had a little bit of control in an uncontrollable world.