Solitude

A Solitary Reasoning

My heart clenched when I thought about those ten months. I remembered every detail of them and it breaks my heart to look back on them and now recognise the pain and heartbreak in his eyes.

I was walking the dogs when I remembered, I went past the exact same place he had shown me, the place we first met and all the memories just came rushing back like I had been bombed, images and memories pummelling me and exploding everywhere at once. It was overwhelming but as soon as I realised what was going on I went home and phoned Morgan, asking her to tell me what happened ten months ago because at that moment, I couldn't face Alex.

I was so heartbroken as I remembered his words, his anger directed at me, him throwing the engagement ring at me, him visiting my dad and hating me. I was lost and in pain but as soon as she reluctantly told me what happened when she went to his office, I understood.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him when my memories resurfaced but after Morgan told me, I knew. I needed him in my life.

She shrugs, shaking her head. "No I don't-"

"He bought you a sports car."

Her eyes widen comically and she glances between Alex and I for a while before her arms open and she tackles him for a hug. "Welcome to the family!" Alex groans, falling to his knees, his face turning red while he clutches his front. Morgan grins widely, a mischievous and evil grin. "That's just a smidge of the pain you'll feel if you hurt her again."

"Morgan!" I gasp, running to his side while he grumbles angrily under his breath.

She just shrugs when I look at her. "It was nothing compared to the pain you felt."

Morgan leaves an hour later, still hyped up from the news that she is now the owner of a red Ferrari and because she was able to hurt Alex physically.

I smiled contently when I nestled myself in to Alex's side on the sofa, Loki and Zeus on my other side.

"Morgan was right you know. You shouldn't be with me." His fingers thread through my hair as he quietly spoke, trying and failing to hide the pain in his voice.

"Shouldn't it be my decision whether I stay with you?" I ask.

I didn't understand it. I had been the one to have a panic attack, I had been the one to lose my memory, I had been the one to feel even stranger and more pathetic than I already thought I was because I lost a year of my life. That was me, why can't I make my own decisions and stay with Alex?

"It is your decision but she's just looking out for you." He sighed. "I'm just trying to make you see."

The thought bombarded me and I shrunk away from him, moving back. "Do you not want to be with me anymore?"

His head recoiled in disbelief. "What? You really think I would have spent ten months with you, even though you didn't remember me, if I didn't want to be with you?" He shook his head, his eyes hurt and his jaw clenched. "Oak you're crazy."

"You're trying to convince me-"

Exhaling, he wrapped me up in his arms around. "I don't want you to be with me and one day regret it. I want you to be sure. I was horrible to you and I will hate myself for the rest of my life. I don't want you to wake up one day and realise you hate me too."

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you." I mumbled, shaking my head against his shoulder. "It wasn't very nice but I understand your thought process and I understand your rage. But I want to be with you." I say confidently, breaking out of his hold and grabbing his face in mine. The pain and love mixed together in his eyes pained me. "I love you, more than I've ever loved another person."

"Loki?" The corner of his lip curled up in to a smirk.

"Loki's technically not a person but don't think for one second that he's not number one." I shrug and his chest vibrates with his deep chuckle. "I love you and I want to be with you. I've forgotten the past. I've moved on, like I've done with my mums death, and my dads abuse."

He stilled and his eyes darkened with anger. "Why did he abuse you?" He asked carefully, trying to soften his voice.

My lip lifted slightly and I shrugged my shoulders lightly. "Does a person really need an excuse to be abusive?" His eyes downturn. "He was already a mean man when my mum was alive. He drank a lot and when I look back on it I think he hit her sometimes." I narrowed my eyes in thought. As a seven year old you miss things and they don't make sense. It didn't make sense to me but now they do.

He had always been abusive and my mum hid it from me and protected me.

"They got in the car one night and drove. That was the night my dad stumbled in to the house, a cut on his forehead, smelling foul and drunk out of his mind. That was the first night he hit me. Every time I asked where my mum was he hit me again and it took five years to figure out that she was dead."

I swallow harshly but my eyes were free of wetness. I've had eighteen years to cry over my mum. I meant it when I said I had moved on.

"He had always been horrible but my mum was there to protect me and build me back up again. After she died, he would call me names while he hit me. He told me that I'd be alone for the rest of my life and that no one would love me. I believed him. I had low self esteem, I was depressed, I had anxiety, I was lonely because of him. I never told anyone because he said he'd kill them and me. I didn't want anyone else to get hurt." I whisper, staring in to nothingness as the memories bombarded me.

Just because I had moved on didn't mean it didn't affect me anymore.

Alex grabbed my hand when my breathing accelerated and the panic spread across me when his yellow eyes invaded my mind.

"He made me work because he didn't want to. My anxiety only got worse after that. I was forced to work with people. That's why I have panic attacks when I have to talk to them." I looked up to him and he squeezed my hand. "I spent eleven years basically locked in my house apart from school and work being beaten and emotionally abused. My only escape was writing."

He inhaled a sharp breath. The hand that wasn't holding mine balled in to a fist, the veins on the back of his hand protruded like walls along his dark skin.

"Morgan was my only friend, she was the only one who cared that I couldn't really be around people, she was the only one who understood. She sat with me outside for lunch, she walked with me through the hallways at school after every lesson to make sure I was okay. I trusted her but I never told her. She found out on her own, I guess piecing together the bruises on my body and my flinching and my anxiety and depression. By the time she found out though I was nearly eighteen and she begged me to leave. I had been saving money from my job in secret and it didn't add up to much so her parents helped pay for my apartment." I smiled at the mention of Morgan and her parents. "They helped me a lot. They even moved here to be closer to me in case I had a panic attack."

"They sound like nice people." He mumbled, stroking the back of my hand with his large thumb.

I nodded. "They are. Morgan found out about my writing and convinced me to send it off. She's the reason I became an author. She's the reason I have Loki. She's the reason I'm not depressed. We've been through a lot together and she's very protective."

"I don't blame her." His free hand unclenched and raised to my cheek, smoothing over it softly and travelling to the back of my neck where he gripped it. His tiger-eye gemstones bored in to my mud brown ores. "I'm sorry for not letting you explain earlier and I'm sorry for assuming. I can't promise you I won't hurt you again because the truth is we will get in to fights but I promise to never say anything so vile to you again and I promise to always hear you out first."

I nodded, believing his honestly. "I promise to explain everything to you."

"I love you Oak." He leaned in, his lips brushing mine.

"I love you Alex." I leaned forward, taking him by surprise by initiating the kiss.

It was beautiful.