Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 17 Tucker Knows Best

Church: Doc, Sister, and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.

Tucker: Ohhh.

Church: We'll find you once we're done scouting.

Ruby: What about me?

Church: You're coming with us.

The magenta girl nodded.

Church: Oh right, if Vic's right and this turns into a battle, if I die, I want to be buried as far away as possible from everyone.

Tucker: Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full of beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non stop reruns of Bay Watch and- ahh, you know what, it's all in my will.

Ruby: You'll be dead, what'll any of that do?

Tucker: Afterlife, duh!

Caboose: What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex: No Caboose, we need you to stay here and watch Sheila.

Church: Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her all together.

Caboose: Oh, that would be bad.

Church: Right. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose: Hmm. . . well I suppose I could always-

Church: Shut up, that was rhetorical. Tucker, Ruby, c'mon let's go.

Doc: Where should we go?

Church: Du- I don't care. Just be ready to start running with the calvary if we start screaming in pain, unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, y'know, feel free to point and laugh.

Ruby: Don't worry Tucker, if you start screaming in pain, I'll make sure you don't die.

The aqua soldier sighed before looking at his son.

Tucker: Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every boy becomes a man.

Doc: Tucker, he's only three days old!

Ruby: Shut up Doc, this is a touching father-son moment!

Tucker: They grow up so fast!

Church: Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Ruby: You shut up too!

Tucker: The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers.

Ruby: Oh wait, I think I know how this is going to end. . . . *sighs*

Tucker: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never-ever buy the extended warranty on anything. EVER.

Ruby: Oh, that wasn't absolutely terrible.

Tucker: Oh also, chicks like it when you tell 'em they're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Ruby: Never mind, there is is. Tucker, come on!

She grabbed him by the back of his armor and dragged him, following Tex and Church.

Tucker: Bye little dude! Tex and Church need me and Ruby to back her up!

Junior: Bow Chicka Honk Honk!

Ruby immediately froze.

Doc: Huh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker: Teach? You don't teach that. That's just genetic!

Ruby: Oh my God.

She dragged him faster! The scout team arrived at a cliff's ledge, overlooking the Red Base.

Church: I don't see anything.

Tex: You all stay here, I'll move up.

Tucker: Do you want us to cover you?

Tex: Yeaah, cover me, that way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.

Tucker: Hey, you don't have to be a bitch!

Ruby: Yeah, Tex, that was a bit uncalled for.

The Freelancer groaned before finding herself approaching the base on the ground. Church aimed down with his sniper.

Church: I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or something.

Ruby: Maybe they're not even there.

Tucker: What do you see?

Church: I just said I don't see anything. I just said that. And yeah, it looks like no one's been there for a while.

Tucker: Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Ruby: Tucker, we have laser swords.

Tucker: I can't see far away with a damn sword!

Church: Oh yeah, boo hoo. You have a stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker: Come on, let me use it just once! Just one time! I won't ever ask again! Pleeeaaaase!

Ruby: You are such a child.

Tucker: Please please please please please please!

Church: Can I use the sword?

Tucker: Ohhh, hell yes!

Church: Alright fine, here.

The two swapped weapons as Ruby remembered something.

Tucker: Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay, no wait, how do I zoom?

He then clicked the button

Tucker: Oh, zoomed!

Church: Hey Tucker, this sword doesn't even work! What a fucking gip!

Ruby: Didn't the alien say that the sword only works for the person who passed the trial of the windmill? That'd mean Tucker would be the only one able to use it.

Church: Damn it!

Tucker: Now I- wait, what is this thing?

Church: Okay, whatever dude. Just don't-

And the aqua soldier accidentally pulled the trigger. The bullet flew across the air and hit Tex right in the rear.

Tex: OW!

Ruby: But the stupid sniper down you idiot! How did you not know what a trigger was?!

Tucker: Oops! It was an accident!

Church: We're supposed to be scouting, quietly, dumbass! Gimme it back!

Tex was growling as Tucker looked at her face through the scope.

Tucker: Umm, yeah, take it back.

Church got ahold of his sniper.

Church: I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years! Oh, Tex, what're you doing back?

She smacked him with the butt of her rifle!

Church: OW! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!

Ruby: Tex! Tucker's the one who did it!

Tucker: You snitch!

Ruby: You shot her in the butt, you idiot!

And then Tex smacked Tucker with the but of her rifle!

Tucker: OW!

Tex: Asshole!