Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Twelve

Chapter 1 Oh Captains, My Captains

The next door beeped.

Simmons: Door's opening.

And Caboose repeated his previous actions. Grif sighed before his radio activated.

Bitters: Captain Grif, we have visual on the main compound, over?

Grif: What's it look like?

The Orange Soldier's subordinate observed from a vantage point in the trees.

Bitters: Well, one a scale of one to ten. . . I'd say we're pretty fucked.

?: Stow that kind of talk, Bitters. Our COs put a lot of thought into this plan, so why don't you show a little faith? Right, Captain Caboose?

Grif and Simmons were sneaking along while Caboose stood idly by.

Caboose: Yes.

Simmons: Alright, we're almost there. Is everyone ready?

Bitters: Ready.

?: Ready.

Caboose: Ready.

They had circled around and back in front of Caboose without realizing. A female voice then contacted the Maroon Soldier.

??: Captain Simmons? Jensen has something to say to you.

Simmons: Uhh. . . yes Jensen?

A girl with a lisp began speaking.

Jensen: I just wanted to say, that no matter what happens, it's been an honor working with you, sir.

Simmons: Uhh, th-thank! You! L-Lieutenant! This is, yes! Th- ahem, affirmative. Over.

Grif: What the fuck was that?

Simmons: What?

Grif: Did you just stroke out for a second? You sounded like Caboose.

Caboose: Uh, if he's me, can I be him?

Grif: Shut up.

Caboose: Look at me! I'm smart! I like slide rulers and protractors! Oh, I can't wait to go do some protracting!

Simmons: So, I still have problems talking to girls, big deal.

Grif: Yeah, it is! You've known Ruby and Kaikaina for years! And your squad consists entirely of girls! Now man up!

Simmons: Ohh no, this is like junior high all over again!

Grif: What?

Simmons: Why do I have to play in the women's league? I wanna be a mathlete dad, a mathlete!

Caboose: Yeah okay, I don't wanna be Simmons anymore.

Grif: God dammit, do I have to do everything around here? *activates radio* Everybody get ready. We're going on my mark. Three. . . Two. . . One.

They rounded a corner to see Feds with their weapons readied on them.

Grif: . . . . . . . Every man for himself!

And screams along with sporadic fire left them.

Bitters: What? What's going on?

REP: Suppressing fire!

The soldier shot at a turret nest and missed every shot before it began firing on them, making them panic and fall from their vantage point!

REP 1: Reinforcements on our way!

And the rest of Grif's squad fell atop them. Caboose ran along while still yelling, one of his soldiers popping out of cover!

?: Captain Caboose, NOOO!

A Warthog came over a hill!

Jensen: Don't worry! We're coming!

She immediately ran over Caboose's soldier.

Jensen: Sorry, sorry, sorry! Why are there so many pedals on this thing?!

Grif and Simmons were still evading the carnage when alarms went off, signaling everyone to stop. Soon, the leader of the New Republic, along with the Magenta Girl and Yellow Soldier, who now had magenta highlights on her armor, stood before them.

Kimball: What the hell was that?!

Caboose: AHHHHHH- oh, we stopped.

Kaikaina: At least I'm not the one that fucked this one up.

A groan left Ruby's mouth.

Ruby: What the heck is the point of this if you guys can't work together?!

Simmons: But we did, we had team names and everything!

Caboose: Grif was Gold!

Grif: ORANGE.

Allison: They're dumbasses.

Ruby: Team names mean nothing if you don't act as a team!

Kimball: You HAD a plan. You WERE organized. But once again, you crumbled under pressure. Lieutenants debrief with your COs, COs, debrief with your CO. *looks at Ruby* Everyone else, round up all training weapons and uniforms. That's enough capture the flag for today.

She began to walk away, but paused.

Grif: Woah, and what the hell are we supposed to say? "Hey guys, sorry you still suck. Turns out we suck too! At least we have something in common."

Kimball: Tell them what they need to hear. Tell them that they can do this, and that next time will be better.

Simmons: So you want us to lie to- FUCK!

Ruby: Shut up.

Kimball: You have your orders.

She took her leave and Ruby let out another sigh. The lieutenants stood behind their captains.

Jensen: You. . . wanted to talk to us, sirs?

Grif: *sighs* I hope Tucker has it better than this.

*F.A.C. Outpost 22*

Felix observed the enemy base through a Sniper Rifle. He and his team were within a cave.

Tucker: Hey Felix, you think I could have a turn with that Sniper Rifle?

Felix: Absolutely not.

?: Uh, sometimes I, uh like to take my hands and, uh, cup them around my eyes. Like little hand binoculars.

Tucker: Shut the fuck up, Palomo.