Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 12 The Haystack

Church: That's Notre Dame.

Doc: Well since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent US copyright laws, so. . .

Church: Never mind, just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Doc: Reboot her?

Tucker: Yeah dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

Ruby: If everything you guys have tried hasn't worked, a hard reset is probably the best course of action. Do me a favor and disable the cannon while you're at it.

Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Ruby: *groans* I completely forgot about that. . . .

Doc: I don't think that'll work.

Church: Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter-

Tucker: Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out.

Ruby: How did you reboot a toaster?

Tucker: Unplugging it.

Church: We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although, that took a lot longer to come back online than I thought it would.

Caboose: It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Ruby: You poor thing. . . .

Doc: No, I mean it won't because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods.

The tank fired into the side of the canyon.

Doc: See?

Ruby nodded excessively.

Church: Yeah, we need to get someone sneaky down there who can turn her off.

Doc: How about Tucker?

Tucker: Who? Me? No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker.

Ruby: Oh boy.

Doc: Oh, that's your response to everything.

Tucker: What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.

Ruby: That explains a lot.

Tucker: How about Tex or Ruby?

Ruby: I believe we've established that me and things that go "boom" are not friends.

Church: And we couldn't afford Tex. If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted, and it would have to be someone kind of dumb, so that we could trick him into betraying that trust, for our. . . purposes.

They all looked at Caboose.

Caboose: Hey. . . everyone is looking at me. . . I love when they do that. . . Hi everybody!

Ruby: Hi Caboose!

*With Sarge and Donut*

The duo came across Tex and Church's old bodies.

Donut: See? And these are the two bodies I was telling you about. At first, I thought they were sleeping, but then I realized they were dead!

Sarge: The Blues never sleep, they're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always conniving and scheming. . . sometimes they do both! I call that "scheniving."

Donut: And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their blue armor!

Sarge: Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal, but it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can really spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.

Donut: Yeah, we can hang a couple of drapes. . . get some wicker chairs. . . aw, this place will be. . . fantastic!

Donut then heard something. . . .

Donut: Everything okay Sarge?

Sarge: What? Oh yeah. . . It's just that I can't shake this feeling. . . This feeling that we're. . . being watched!

He turned towards a rock next to them!

Sarge: Ha gotcha! Doh. . . son of a. . .

There was nobody there.

Donut: Erm. . . that was pretty dramatic.

Sarge: Yeah, usually works better if someone is standing there when I do that. . . Kind of like now! Damn it!

He repeated his movements only to get the same result.

Sarge: I'm normally not wrong about this kind of thing?! Hello?! Darkaburr!

Donut: Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?

Sarge: No, stupid! Motion activated proximity radar. It's standard issue, I guess I need to get mine calibrated.

The Red then faced the opposite way of Donut.

Sarge: Hey, what the heck is that thing?

*With Simmons and Grif*

The two were now standing in the light.

Simmons: Sarge should be able to see us here, right?

Grif: Yeah, who cares?

A Needler crystal whisked past his head, completely unbeknownst to him.

Grif: Hey Simmons? I was thinking, if we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

Simmons: That's a pretty good *deep voice* point Grif.

Grif: What the? Are you okay?

Simmons: *deep voice* Yeah, why do you ask?

The Needler shot aimed at the maroon soldier did not miss and was lodged in his neck.

Grif: Huh, you got a pink thing on you.

Simmons's vision began to blur.

Simmons: Wha. . .? Like a snake. . .? Get. . . it. . . off. . .!

He then collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

Grif: Simmons? Simmons?

He looked to the side.

Grif: Huh?

A needle then hit him in the neck as well.

Grif: Ow!

Dozens then hit him from all sides!

Grif: OW!

A final one hit him in the codpiece.

Grif: Oh. . . hey look. . . *deep voice* bad people. . . please don't eat me, bad. . . people. . . .

The orange soldier fell unconscious as well. . . .