Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five

Chapter 8 Yellow Fever

Church: Don't be snarky.

Tucker: Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!

Church: Yeah, Sheila's been acting kind of distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kind of reminds me of somebody else.

Tucker: So why is Doc talking to her?

Church: What, you didn't hear the 'threatening' part I just said? I'm not going over there.

Tucker: Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something.

Church: Dude, I've had about all the cross species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a Junior Caboose running around with a one-hundred thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that.

Church: What's your deal?

Tucker: I dunno, I think I'm getting into this whole 'parenting' thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Bleh.

Church: Of course you are, that's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for "Dad of the Year."

Tucker: Don't judge me.

Church: Anyways, Doc's going to find out what's wrong with her and give her a little time up.

Tucker: But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. Not a doctor, a medic. Well, I guess he's not really a medic either, because he's never really helped anyone. He's just some annoying guy that we know. . . who wears purple armor. . . who's annoying. Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.

Church: I know. I figure Doc's mechanical skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident or make her competent inoperable and then I go down there and find out what's really going on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

*With Doc*

The medic stood in front of the tank.

Doc: Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. *inhales* In through the air filter, *exhales* out through the manifold. *inhales* In through the air filter, *exhales* out through the manifold.

Sheila just looked at him, her cannon frightening the poor medic.

Doc: Uhh, okay. . . Why don't we try some aversion therapy. Think about something that makes you really angry. . . that isn't me.

Sheila: Sure.

She then aimed her cannon right towards the other side of the base and at Church, who was watching them with the sniper.

Church: Uhhhh, yeahhhhh. I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

To their surprise, one of the Reds arrived with a guest.

Grif: Hey, Blues!

Church: Aw Crap, here we go. They must have figure out how fucked up our team is right now. Ah, shit, they even brought their new guy.

Tucker: Girl.

Church: Whatever! Just play along! Act like our team is okay, we've got everything under control.

Tucker: Please, I've been putting on that act for like, three years now.

Church: What do you want Red?!

Grif: I've got a prisoner for you!

Church: What did he say?

Tucker: Says he has a prisoner for us.

Church: Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.

Church: Yeah, you said that when they left the jeep before I got blown up, and then that Ruby girl got the jump on us. Besides her, the orange is pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Tucker: Like you? Shit, then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Church: Up yours, dickhead. Why would they want to give us one of their guys?

Tucker: Why are you asking me?

Church: Oh right, Why are you giving us one of your guys as a prisoner?!

Grif: She's one of your guys! She came to our side by mistake! What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We've got to hurry, I've got to get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.

Church: Uhh, I don't buy this. What do you want for her?!

Grif: Umm. . . nothing?! It was- It was an honest mistake! Er, you can have her back now! No harm, no foul! We-Look, can we hurry this up?!

Church: Yeah, this is bullshit.

Tucker: Ask for something else.

Church: Uhh, we want something else!

Grif: What?! I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate UP from there!

Tucker: Got any money?!

Grif: Fuck you, dude!

He turned to his sister.

Grif: Get going, call me if you have any problems and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarass the family. Think of mom.

Kaikaina: Don't do me any favors, bitch.

She began heading towards the Blues.

Church: What else was on the ship?!

Grif: What do you mean?!

Church: Yeah, like guns or weapons-

Tucker: Or snacks?! Dude, I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.

Grif: Nope! Just the girl! Sorry, there weren't anymore aliens for you guys to fuck!

Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Kaikaina: Woohoo!

Grif: I think you're forgetting that the badass girl on my team is friends with your team!

Tucker: Oh fuck!

Simmons then arrived.

Simmons: Oh my god Grif, he's gone!

Grif: Who's gone?

Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Simmons: Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK OF THAT!!!!!!

Grif: Oh, calm down.

Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm! We're down two men and Ruby's still missing! Ah, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. . . Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Grif: Uhhhhh, nothing. So that, uhh, Sarge thing is pretty crazy.

Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues? What's she doing over there?

Grif slowly walked away. . . .

Simmons: Why are they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're throwing her really high into the air. Grif? Grif?