velvetsocks

hes so pretty

after endless nights and feeling empty rage; carving into my own body through starvation and pulling rugs out from under people who call me their friend.

i wanted to be alone and parts of me still do.

yet after the ribbons have been cut and they dont talk to me anymore. i feel lonely.

waking up to no messages, and talking to the same 2 people day and night, hollow hellos and all. it was meant to feel like freedom, not an inescapable loneliness.

i feel so quiet. it hurts. kinda like a gaping hole in my chest, bleeding air. dry and cold.

it aches. it physically hurts.

and ive caught myself crying in the dark, craving a kiss on my hairline, or a hug. but im seeing that it isnt the action i desire but the comfort.

i want to be able to feel the love a child feels when their mother caresses their rosy cheeks, and kisses their salty tears away. and i want to be able to gradually fall deeper and deeper inlove with someone and feel my face get warm when they hold my hands. and feel the adoration they hold for me when they'll look in my eyes.

i cant decide wether my lack of the ability to feel nice things is my greatest strength or most dreadful vulnerability.

perhaps the absence of warm love and happiness and comfort and peace and innocence will ultimately be my downfall.

maybe rejecting attachments isn't the shield i had made it to be. and maybe the shield's curved dome is lined with piercing spikes and whenever i hold it to me to protect me from the outside world, they'll impale me until my body is scattered with holes big enough for sad worms to squirm between.

i want to feel love and comfort more than anything but i dont know if i can.
i want to find comfort in the empty promises they make me. that it'll get better and that they'll always be their for me.

it feels like their handing me empty eggshells. theirs no life in it.

but i want their to be. and i want to feel the warmth of the beating hearts, and eventually hear the chirps of those promises.

my hands are numb though. i severed the nerves beneath their soft surface. and under my delicate pale palms is hollow bones.

a few weeks ago my weak human brain was convinced i was god yet this week, i feel lower than mortal. i feel worthless and unreal non existent and not worthy  of anything.