To Be a Hero

Chapter 14

When Alfred woke up the next day, he didn't want to move, let alone go to school. His head hurt from crying--a pain he was getting all too used to, if he hadn't been already.

He laid there for an extra half hour, debating on going at all. As he started to let his eyelids droop, a thought came to his mind. Fleeting, yet strong all the same. Scars, and the faint scent of peppermint.

Alfred didn't want to get up for himself, but maybe he could do it for Ivan.

Alfred could tell Ivan knew something was up the moment the boy came to his locker. He put it off, pretending like everything was fine. He told himself it was for Ivan's sake, and a part of him really believed it.

Ivan wouldn't want me if he knew , Alfred thought. He buckled down the guilt rising in his chest as he looked into those lilac eyes that held so much love for him, love that Alfred was starting to think he didn't deserve.

But then there was the way that Ivan was eyeing him in his oversized knitted sweater and tight ripped jeans and Alfred could honestly care less about if he deserved Ivan's love or not, because he wanted it. He loved Ivan to the point where it was nearly painful, and there was no way in Hell that he was letting that go.

It wasn't until the two boys were strolling around outside by the school walls that Ivan took Alfred by the arm abruptly, pulling him behind the oil tank and against a wall. At first he thought Ivan was going to give him shit for being off--he had been abnormally cold towards his boyfriend--but was pleasantly surprised when Ivan caught his lips in a deep kiss.

Alfred kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Ivan's neck. There was a charge to the kiss; it put a comforting weight in Alfred's chest, dispelling any negativity. It lifted his spirits, making him feel something he hadn't felt in a long time.

Free.

Ivan broke the kiss, giving them both a chance to breathe. He tucked his head into the crook of Alfred's neck. Alfred took the chance to breathe in the scent of Ivan's scarf, the peppermint helping him clear his head from the intensity of the kiss, lips tingling.

The boys cleared out before anyone found them; no need for that call home. Instead they headed towards Ivan's car, holding hands and joking around as per usual. It made Alfred feel better, feel normal , like himself.

They got into the car, and Ivan started driving, Alfred on music duty again. It was like the first time they'd really hung out and hadn't tried to kill each other. The memory made Alfred smile.

Ivan had driven them to town, and it took Alfred a moment to realize that they were in a parking complex, tucked away into a corner. As Ivan took out the keys, he undid his seatbelt, leaning over and capturing Alfred in yet another kiss. This time, however, it had the same tone as when they'd been in Alfred's bedroom. Oh, how Alfred longed for that bedroom.

Pretty soon, the two boys were climbing into the back seats, Ivan pulling Alfred onto his lap, still in total control. They claimed each other's mouths, teeth clashing while low groans filled the car.

Ivan reached up, ghosting his fingers along Alfred's cheek before removing his glasses. Now unable to see clearly, Alfred felt impaired, vulnerable . It made his gut clench. He stopped kissing Ivan with as much fervor.

His boyfriend didn't seem to pick up on this, somehow managing to get Alfred on his back, caging him in, but this time Alfred didn't feel comforted; he felt trapped. His breathing became shaky, and he was close to hyperventilating. The car was too hot, too small, yet he felt so much smaller. It was all becoming too much too fast.

With sudden panic, Alfred pushed Ivan off of him, feeling tears threaten to spill. He scrambled up, back pressed up against the door. Gasping, he tried desperately to ground himself to reality, to not let memories cloud his vision.

He jumped when he felt a hand lightly touch his knee. His pent up shoulders relaxed when he saw it was only Ivan, yet guilt hit him so hard at the sight of fear in Ivan's eyes that he thought he might puke.

"Дорогой, talk to me," the larger boy whispered, as if he was scared to startle Alfred again. "What's going on?"

Alfred couldn't speak, and instead flung himself at Ivan, giving him a bone-crushing hug, desperate for comfort. Ivan didn't say anything, instead making it his soul duty to hug Alfred back just as tight, running his fingers through Alfred's short hair.

Alfred refused to talk about it. He made Ivan drive him back to school, and then went to his next class feeling like shit. He'd made Ivan feel like shit, and felt like a jerk for doing so. He felt like an absolute douche, which only got worse when he left Ivan without explanation.

How could he explain it? Especially without telling Ivan why he'd had the sudden panic attack. Maybe he could lie, bend the truth a little so Ivan wouldn't know...

No. Ivan was too kind and understanding. He didn't deserve to be lied to. Fuck, how was Alfred going to fix this?

The answer came when he was putting his things into his bag at the end of the day. Ivan came up beside him, keeping a distance bigger than usual. He seemed timid, and he was doing that shoe tap again. Before Alfred could even try to console him, give some sort of reasoning, Ivan was speaking.

"I'm sorry," he rushed out, clearly anxious. His words seemed to not have any air support, and his accent was thicker than ever. "I took things too far and--"

"Stop." Alfred was surprised by the authority in his own voice. Ivan seemed surprised too, meeting his gaze for the first time. Alfred squared his jaw, bringing himself to his full height, still leaving him a few inches shorter than Ivan. "It wasn't your fault, babe, really," he continued, trying to soften his voice a bit. "It's... it's my own thing to deal with."

"Let me help you," Ivan begged, finally moving closer to take Alfred's hand.

"I don't know if you can," Alfred whispered. He looked at their intertwined hands, wishing there was some way to forget.

"Then let me try."

Alfred looked back up, eyes locking with Ivan's. He couldn't form any words. Instead he nodded, unable to say no. Then there was the way Ivan gave him the sweetest smile, followed by a hesitant kiss to the cheek, and Alfred couldn't help but wonder how the hell he managed to ever dislike this guy. Maybe he really could help...

It was worth a try.