Alice in traumaland

dreams

Funny how no matter where I am, no matter what I do, I'm not wanted, so used to people letting me down that even the dreams I had 5 years ago look so impossible, lost all hope, all joy, I swear there's some kind of hold on me, to never be good enough, to settle for painful days and continuing this dark cycle, to draw red lines on my wrists to feel numb, unfortunately I'm running out of space and honestly out of life itself, I loose a piece of my cheerfulness each day, until I become this numb monster covered in my own blood.
When equality becomes an impossible dream and running away is no longer an option, I find myself staring at the ceiling feeling with this urge to disappear but not knowing how, and that's when the suicidal tendencies kick in and there's only two options, either let it kill me or kill it, constantly having a kill or be killed battle within myself is exhausting, it's like having a brain that wants to die and a body that struggles to survive through all of it.
Maybe one day I'll be saved from this vicious cycle, stupid how my most precious dream is to be saved by someone, I feel so worthless to need someone so much, crave for their touch and help so much, that, only that little dream, makes me go through the days and continue bearing all of this, just for a chance of finding them.