Loves Me Not

TWENTY TWO

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

I became so good at being alone that it was almost an art form. I didn't need anyone else, didn't have to rely on anyone but myself. And it felt good.

There are many people out there who can't be alone, and that frightens me. Never in my life did I want to reach the point of codependency on another person. I loved my solitude. I appreciated my alone time. And if there was ever someone who came along that brought me some company once in a while, then great, that would be a bonus. But I never went out intentionally seeking somebody. Well, not until after the engagement, that is.

Things changed after that. It was a wake-up call, cold water to the face. Once I realized that this thing between Will and Juliette was serious – serious enough to spend the rest of his life with her – then I truly was doomed.

I suppose the feelings I had for Will had always been there from the beginning. I just suppressed them far enough away and denied it to my core that after a while, I began to believe it. I tried to reason with myself, make excuses, when in reality, the truth was there all along. And all it took for me to realize this was him making the decision to marry someone who wasn't me.

After he broke the news to me, I feigned excitement. I tried to be happy for him, I truly did. But there's only so much a person can withstand when their heart is breaking for the person in front of them. Only so much I could stand to be around.

When it got too hard for me, I distanced myself from him. I wanted nothing to do with Will or Juliette. I needed time to myself, and quickly, our interactions became less and less.

Spring arrived and I attended his graduation at Yale's School of Medicine, only because I had always told him I'd be there. Now that he and Juliette were finished med school, they could finally start planning their wedding!

After the ceremony, I went out to a bar by myself and got drunk. It was the first time I had ever done that, but it would soon become a common occurrence for me. I needed to find solace elsewhere. I needed an escape, a distraction. Everything going on in my life and in my mind was too much. And seeing them together that day just set me over the edge.

I began looking at the men in the bars, surveying them as my eyes scanned the room. In the past, I hardly paid attention to them, but now, they were all I could see. I studied them individually, imagining in my mind what each one of them would be like. Was he kind? Was he smart? Was he successful?

I put myself out there. I experimented with different men, just to see what it would be like. I went through a phase of my life that I'm not very fond of. I became someone else during that time. Someone who was lost and confused and desperate. I was willing to be with anyone, as long as it brought me some sort of comfort. I had this longing, this desire, to just be held by somebody. For someone to look into my eyes and truly see me for me. But unfortunately, this wasn't a viable solution to my problem. It was only numbing the pain, a temporary distraction. Because no matter who I was with, no matter what I envisioned between us, I couldn't help but compare him to Will.

And no one could ever compare to Will.

It was that July when I finally met him: the man of my dreams, the man who I would someday marry. Although, I didn't know that at the time. All I knew about him then was his name: Ben Summers.