Loves Me Not

SIX

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Will eventually became my best friend. I matured from my teenage mindset of gawking over him, and instead, looked at him as a person rather than a figure. Yes, I was once infatuated with his omnipresent charm and his all-encompassing elusiveness. But we developed a friendship. And eventually, he became the closest person in my life.

The summer that I finished high school, Will came to visit us in Bridgeport quite a bit. It was as the two of us sat together in my backyard one night that I discovered the reasoning behind Will's constant visits here. His parents were getting divorced and his home was no longer a home. There was constant fighting and yelling. No one was getting along. It was a hostile environment that was debilitating to his wellbeing. And so that was why he continuously packed his bags and came to Bridgeport that summer. And subsequently, the two of us began spending more and more time together.

September arrived and Holden and Will went back to NYU. I headed off to the University of Bridgeport to start my four year program to get a general Bachelor's degree. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew that I needed to go to school. So I started off with something broad and hoped I would figure it out along the way.

Anything and everything intrigued me. I loved writing. I loved criminology. I loved psychology. I loved animals. I loved law. Sometimes I thought I wanted to be a psychologist. Other times I wanted to be a criminal profiler or a behavioral analyst. Some days I just wanted to be a vet. It was a very broad spectrum and I couldn't narrow it down or pinpoint exactly what I wanted to do. But I wasn't worried. I was decently intelligent and knew I could navigate through life with a stable career and enough money to get by in whatever field I decided to pursue.

Friendships at university didn't come easy for me. The first friend I made was my roommate, Rebecca. She and I got along so well in the beginning. I thought she was different. I thought our friendship was different. But in the end, she proved to be someone I didn't know anymore. She lost my trust as well as my respect, and we stopped speaking.

I tried getting involved with sports, even though I was the opposite of athletic. I scouted out extracurriculars. I joined the debate team. I began writing for the school paper. I started a book club. But still, I stood out from the rest, always on the outside looking in. As though I wore some kind of repellent that made people stay away. Sure, I had a few friends here and there. And sure, I could keep a conversation with practically anyone about almost anything. But I could never find what I was searching for deep down: a true, genuine friendship.

I dated a few different guys. Some were assholes, some were gentlemen. But still, they all ended the same.

The one constant thing in my life throughout my time at university was someone who was three hours away. Someone unforeseen who came into my life unexpectedly, but once here, brought such a warm feeling of complacency. He was the one guarantee that I could rely on. In my life, I was certain of two things: that the sun would rise every morning, and that I had Will Sterling as my friend.

The first time he came to visit me was in October. I guess he had originally planned on coming to Bridgeport with Holden for a weekend, but then once he realized I wouldn't be there, spontaneously decided to come visit me at UB instead.

I showed him around the campus. We ate dinner in the dining hall. He bought me liquor and even gave me a bit extra to keep stashed in my closet for when I couldn't get some myself. We talked and joked and laughed for hours. Somehow, he was becoming the best friend that I never knew I needed. And it was so strange because I had never been so close with someone in the way that I was becoming with Will. I had a few female best friends in high school, but they were never enough. They always put me second and didn't truly care or value me as a person. But Will was different. He was thoughtful and kind, and he cared about what I thought. He'd ask me questions that no one else bothered to ask. He'd go out of his way to do things for me, just to make me happy or smile. And it wasn't even in a romantic way. Nothing about our friendship was romantic whatsoever. We didn't even flirt. It was strictly platonic. He was my best friend.