Disaster Class

11. uncle victor repellent

Uncle Victor's grating voice is saying, "I'm just saying, Phillip, it would do you well to keep Nicolas from associating with that queer. He's a bad influence on my nephew."

What the actual fuck. I turn to Mack to check if he's hearing this. The soft scoff that escapes his mouth ascertains it. I shake my head at him, mentally saying, "He doesn't know what he's talking about."

"It doesn't bother me." He shrugs and rolls his eyes.

Thankfully, Dad defends my best friend from the misplaced animosity. "I appreciate your concern over Nico's wellbeing, but Malik is a good kid. They've been friends since forever."

"Which is why I'm concerned," Uncle Victor presses on. "Being close to that kind of person for that long, it does things to 'ya. They're very influential, the queers. What if Nicolas gets it, you know?"

"Gets what?" Dad asks, and I can picture him crossing his arms over his chest.

"The homosexuality."

I either want to groan or laugh my ass off. Beside me, Mack facepalms, looking so done with my uncle's ignorance. Seriously, it's 2022. How are there still people who believe that being gay is contagious?

It's not like it's COVID. 

"Victor, that's preposterous," Dad says, his voice worn down by the level of stupidity he currently has to deal with.

"I'm just saying, Nicolas is growing his hair out already. What's next?"

At the mention of it, I pat my hair down. It's not even that long!

He continues, "Look, there's never been a gay kid in the Gomez family. It'd be a shame if there suddenly is one now. Personally, I don't what I'd do if I find out that I have a gay relative."

"Victor," Dad chastises, raising his voice just a little.

As always, Uncle Victor is being an ass, but this newly heightened homophobia is giving me a brilliant lightbulb moment. Maybe I don't need to drag Mack over whenever he's around if I can be the Uncle Victor repellent. Interesting...

Hopping into view, I act oblivious to their little tryst and chime in with, "Hiya! Just popping in to say goodbye, Uncle Victor."

"'Til next time, kid," he exclaims, coming in to give me a bear hug as if he hasn't just slated my best friend and made assumptions about my sexuality. What a snake.

I return the hug and even offer to take his suitcase down to the car. A few niceties won't hurt.

Uncle Victor ruffles my hair after I stuff his bags in the trunk. He fishes out a few bills from his wallet, gives them to me, and points at my head. "Get that chopped down, m'kay?"

"You betcha," I say, physically straining myself to smile. My hair is not that long!

Dad starts the car. Uncle Victor settles in on the passenger seat. Mack and I stand by the curb to see them off. Only a few more seconds and I will be free of one irksome relative. But if I play my cards right, I can be free of Uncle Victor for a lifetime.

So here's the pop quiz. What should I do to get rid of my misogynistic, homophobic asshole of an uncle?

          a.) Nothing. Just tough it out and wait until he dies.
          b.) Keep doing the same thing and invite Mack whenever he visits.
          c.) Become the Uncle Victor Repellent myself.

"So," I say, quietly enough only to get Mack's attention. My lips tug ever so lightly into a smirk which I can tell is already worrying him. He narrows his eyes, trying to figure out where I'm at. To give him a clue, I repeat what he said earlier in my bedroom. "How do you think Uncle Victor would react to seeing two guys make out?"