Now You See Me

Nine: Trafalgar Square

Leia was watching me again.

I sensed her eyes on me across the table at breakfast that morning, making me wonder whether I hadn't dried my cheeks properly. I checked them, quickly, under the guise of reaching for my tea, which was already cold. There was a huge lump in my throat, a monster of an obstruction, and my tear ducts were wired to set off again at the slightest trigger from me.

"You're quiet today," she finally said. Lorien looked up from his newspaper – upside down again – and frowned at me. "You were pretty chirpy yesterday."

"Was I?" I asked, because saying anything more than that would give away that my voice was going to break. I forced myself to take another bite of toast, but I may as well have been chewing carpet for all the enthusiasm I had.

"Yeah. You were."

I groaned internally; she wasn't going to drop it. I felt my cheeks heat up and prayed it wasn't visible, but then, traitor, something hot and wet ran down my nose and dripped onto my lap. I put down the mug and almost knocked it over, while pushing my plate away with the other hand and inching my chair from the table.

"You're crying." A flat, emotionless voice tinged with an American drawl spoke from behind me, and Marilyn appeared in my field of vision from the waist down.

"No, I'm not," I said, and inched my chair away further. Her hand flashed out in front of my face, a blur of white, making me jump and glare at her. She just held up her finger, where a drop of water dangled for a split second and then fell to the carpet.

"What was that, then?" she asked.

"Leave him alone," Leia said, and I took my chance to escape; I was halfway up the stairs when I heard my chair hit the floor. I passed Courtney on her way down. She asked me if I was alright, and I felt her hand touch my shoulder, but I was already past, barging into my room, slamming the door and locking it from the inside.

There, I sunk to the floor and began to cry.

It was true that you couldn't miss something you didn't remember – I knew that much from experience.

What I wasn't prepared for was how little I did have to remember before it became painful again.

I ignored the first knock on the door. When it persisted, I got up and stumbled to open it; with my hand on the handle, I was startled into stillness when I heard Leia's voice, not Courtney's like I had expected.

"Damien, open up, will ya?"

I unlocked the door and turned away as she stepped inside so she didn't see the watery mess that was my face. My hair clung to my sodden cheeks as I tried to separate it from my skin, and though my t shirt had been a plain navy when I put it on, it was now a messy polka dot pattern.

"You remembered more, didn't you?" she said, closing the door behind her with a quiet click. I heard the jangle of her jewellery as she approached, and felt her hand on my shoulder soon afterwards.

"He took me home once," I whispered, closing my eyes. The moisture on my lashes felt cold against my skin. "When I got too drunk. He didn't know my address, so he let me sleep at his place... I..." I choked, and stopped.

"This your partner?"

"Yes." I opened my eyes again and turned, meeting her startling green ones which had a surprising level of sympathy held within them. "And I don't want to remember any more."

By this, she seemed genuinely startled. "Why not?"

"Because he's probably dead," I replied, and shrugged my shoulder from under her hand. "I don't think I can handle that."