What's EDNOS?

First few days

TRIGGER WARNING!!
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March 27th Tuesday

I'm not going to start with the stereo typical "Dear Diary" because I'm not like everyone else. I am an individual. I also don't like normal, or the phrase "Dear diary", but I guess that's what you are, my diary.

I wasn't sure about having a diary to start with, you did sit in my draw for three months after all, but I decided if I one day become famous, I could tell stories of being a teenager that, if not for my diary, I would have forgotten.

My day was okay today, I guess, or at least it was not as bad as normal. School has been hell ever since I had an argument with my best friend, about how she was always dumping her stuff on me, I have been shunned by all my friends, everyone really, including the nerds. I was never popular before but I was in the middle, I wasn't bullied. I am now. Today all I got was some hateful words and paper thrown at me. It can be, and has been, a lot worse.

My classes are bad too as the teachers let the others bother me. They still think me and the she devil are still friends. I haven't told anyone about what happened. It would cause more trouble than it would help. It would make the bullying worse.

I am going to start a club after school some days, that way there are less people around when I am walking home, meaning the chance of my getting hurt is lessened. I am trying to decide between gymnastics and cross country for sport, I have already agreed to be the photographer for the school play, there is one every year, this year it is An Inspector Calls, the Year 10's are doing it in English, some of the higher groups did it last term, so the school thought that it would be a good idea to get them more interested as well as getting the rest of the school involved.

I adore An Inspector Calls, photography and watching plays, so this will be amazing fun for me. I am in all the top sets for all my subjects and get the best grades I can, not because my parents push me to do well, they just want me to be happy, but because I push myself. I have to achieve all that I am capable of, I have to be perfect. Imagine if you were 1 mark off an A* in your GCSE, how would you feel knowing if you had just put in that bit more effort, if you had studied that little bit longer, you would have achieved perfection?

Aoife

xxx

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March 28th Wednesday

I am in loads of pain. I guess I should start from the beginning.

I was walking home from school, after photographing the school play rehearsals, when I was knocked down from behind. I was punched, kicked, spat on and even burned with cigarettes. They just left me there on the pavement. I laid there for 5 minuets before I decided that a) I looked stupid and b) the pain would only get worse if I stayed there.

School was okay other than that, I got some really good shots of the play. I have to edit them and some I will not show to anyone as they are probably good enough but I don't think they are. They need to be perfect to be shown to anyone, if I show them shabby work they are just going to think I am more of a failure than I already am.

People keep telling me that I should do portraits in my photography but no one will model for me so they would have to be self portraits. I am way to self conscious to do that, and who would want to look at a picture of me? I am way too ugly and fat to model! People tell me that I look amazing but they are just trying to distract me from the bullying. They don't tell the truth in fear of me breaking down and taking my own life.

My parents never seem to be around any more. Mum is always working and Dad is off cheating on Mum. She knows, she just buries her head in her work, trying to ignore it, but I know one day she will realise and their marriage will fall apart. It won't affect me when it does happen because I'm not used to having them around anyway. I have learnt to take care of my self. I look after myself, and they, well they just do what ever they want to.

I need to get a job. I can no longer ask my parent for money to go shopping as they are never around to ask. I may have to get a job as a waitress but I would much rather something a bit less social and a bit less tedious. I get bored easily if I am just doing the same day in, day out. My mind needs to be challenged, selling coffee and waiting tables will not do that for me, the only thing it will challenge is my social anxiety.

I need to go now, I need to sleep. Tomorrow I have to go back to that hell hole known as a school but it is more like a place to go when your self esteem needs bringing down a few notches and you need a few more bruises and scars on your body. Once I leave I will never go back.

I want to go to college in America. It is okay here in small, little England, but I want better, I want bigger!

Aoife

xxx

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March 29th Thursday

I didn't go to school today, because England, being England, decided that it would be great to snow at the end of March, enough snow that school was cancelled. Thank heavens.

Today was pretty boring. I watched Law and Order, Criminal Minds and Silent witness before lunch then after lunch I watched Starving in Suburbia on youtube. I hate snow so I stayed inside all day, which does not really bother me, I hate the out doors, mainly because that is where I am most venerable to the bullying and where most of the bullying incidents have happened, apart from in school.

The good thing is I didn't need to eat much. I had some pasta for lunch and for dinner I am having a small bit of chicken korma. I am trying to lose a bit of weight so I can do a photography course for college and do self portraits, without looking like a heffa lump. If I look bad in the photographs that will lower my grades.

The snow has started to melt, so school will, unfortunately, be back on tomorrow. I am not looking forward to that. It is always worse when there is ice because they find it a great way to get me on the ground without much effort, unfortunately they never seem to fall, and when we have had a day off, they have gotten bored without someone to pick on.

Aoife

xxx

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A/N:

Hopefully there won't be too many A/N, this book may be triggering for some.

Facts on eating disorders in this book are either what I have learnt from suffering with my own eating disorder or what I have learnt from my friends who have eating disorders, therefore all of the eating disorder facts or experiances in this book are either truth or based around the truth.

Thank you for reading I am here for anyone to talk to.

Also Marianas Trench is awesome!!

Ellie

xxxx