Gossip Mind

the day before disaster.

August 31st 2019

The suspense was killing me. I couldn't wait any longer. I just wanted to go to school and be done with it, be done with this fear and just be able to lay on my bed for hours while I listen to music to try and drown out all of these emotions. At the day I was completely fine and okay, but at night it was a completely different story. I had a teacher from middle school. She was my Geography teacher and she grew closer to me in a way. What I mean with this is that she would ask me favors and act like a friend of mine. I never wanted her as a friend, simply because I don't have very good memories with school and with her in general. With me not liking her enough to be her friend, she wasn't stopped to text me if I could give her my number so she would use it to download games for her daughter. I was really shocked and surprised, not knowing why she would want that out of everyone else. Why would she even choose me?  I texted my other friend, her name is Victoria, and she told me that she didn't know what I should do. I gave up with her trying to find a way to help me, so I was just staying there and not really knowing what to do. 

Half an hour has passed and there was still no reply of me. I left her on read and all she could do is ask me again if I could or couldn't do it. I still didn't answer her question, and I don't know if you could blame me honestly. I was shocked and didn't know what I should do. The added read on my side made it even worse. I tried to relax with music, but it all went downhill once she finally said that what I did was fine and that it was my choice. Sure, it was, but I never wanted that to be my choice. I never wanted to choose to not reply to her and at least tell her I didn't want to or couldn't do it, but I didn't do anything. So I sat there, wondering what have I done, just realizing that this was just before my first day in high school in first year. Not only did I not know what was gonna happen tomorrow, but this was just the cherry on top to add to my anxiety. 

I closed my messenger app, not knowing how to really feel about all of this. My twin brother, Aleksandar, came into our room and said he was gonna sleep. I didn't say anything and I just put my earphones on and opened Youtube, chose a relaxing meditative music to hopefully calm me down. That melody is still stuck inside my head even to this very day. Once i closed my eyes and laid back down, my mind started racing with thoughts. Thoughts of worry and fear, thoughts that made me wish I somehow disappeared. With nothing else to do, my mind was slowly drifting to sleep, and without a realization, I quickly fell asleep only to jolt awake by my brother's alarm that he had set up in the morning for my first day in high school.