The Dating Disasters of Sirius Black

3

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By the time the noises stopped, Remus had got bored and picked up his book again. Sirius staggered out; white as possible and still dressed in nothing but ladies underwear, and collapsed backwards onto Remus' bed. Remus sighed and stood up. It wasn't worth the effort to move him, he'd just have to brave the sandwich, chocolate and pasty-encrusted mess that was Sirius' bed.

He pulled back the sheets that, despite having been washed that morning by the House Elves, had still acquired multiple stains, though they seemed mainly to be the result of the evening fancy-dress extravaganza. There was a strong smell of whisky around the pillow area. He groaned and threw the pillow away and was just unbuttoning his shirt when Sirius found his voice.

'Remus,' he said weakly.

'Yes,' Remus replied in a long-suffering voice.

'Remus, I'm not drunk.'

'Of course you aren't,' he told him patronisingly.

'I'm not, I just had to get rid of it all, everything I ever ate. I seem to have run out now, though it hasn't helped.'

It was the strange hollow quality to his friend's voice that made Remus look round. Sirius looked truly awful; lain on his side, staring hopelessly back at him, one hand clawed into the duvet. He looked very odd, lying there limply, almost naked, stretched out on the bed.

'Why are you being sick if you aren't drunk? You hate being sick.'

'I thought it would make me feel better.'

'Did you... eat too much?' he asked, though he knew that wouldn't be an adequate reason for Sirius' behaviour.

'No... I-- I can't tell you.'

'What did you do?' What are the chances, Remus thought, that now I'm begging him to tell me what he was up to tonight, when earlier I was dreading it.

'Never-- telling...'

'Sirius, please, you're scaring me now.'

'No...'

Remus sat down on the bed next to him, placing a hand comfortingly on Sirius' shoulder. 'Please, I'll worry about you otherwise.'

'You promise you won't tell? You won't tell anyone?' His voice was a terrified whisper.

'Of course, I promise.'

'What about them?' He gestured over to Peter's bed. Remus was shocked; Sirius was about to tell him a secret he didn't even want James to know.

'Dead drunk. Even if they did hear you they wouldn't remember it in the morning.' 'Right.' Sirius' hand crept along the duvet and his fingers entwined with Remus'.

'Right. So...?'

'It was the masks.'

There was a far-too-long pause. 'The masks made you sick?'

Sirius ignored him. 'I didn't know who anyone was, really, I didn't know who she was--'

'Oh for fuck's sake, I can't believe you!' Remus dropped the hand he was holding instantly. 'I was actually worried!' He jumped up off the bed so he could get a better vantage point to yell at his friend. 'I was actually worried that something horrible had happened to you! And you're just sticking your fingers down your throat because you shagged some girl you don't like because she had a mask on! You selfish, vile, selfish, little bastard! How could you--'

'Bella.'

'...W-what?' 'It was Bella.'

'You slept with Bellatrix?' Remus was horrified; there were few people on earth Sirius hated more than members of his family and his cousin was quite high on that list.