room 609 | r.p

s e v e n t e e n

And just somehow, Chase has me from being an anxious mess to practically falling onto the ground in laughter— the kind of laughter that has you feeling like you've gained a six pack after doing so.

I was grateful for Chase. He got her off my mind for a short moment.

• • •

𝕤𝕪𝕕𝕟𝕖𝕪

This past week has been quiet.

I thought that quiet is what I needed, but maybe I was wrong. The constant silence was practically eating me alive.

I had only somehow written a few melodies and came up with some beats within this whole week, still left with no written songs though. I'm not sure what to do... I need a proper break. A proper break from the stress, from this fucking bedroom, I needed a break from it all.

Last night everyone had gone out and only Rudy and Chase were home. I haven't spoken to either of them and I've been purposely ignoring their text messages— even the ones were Chase calls himself 'Daddy Chase'. He had also sent me multiple feet pics and threatened to hack into my instagram and post them onto my account... so yes, ignoring them was quite difficult.

I couldn't help but feel a little bit happier last night while listening to the boys banter. I was mentally thanking Chase to the gods and back for the fact that he got Rudy into a better mood— I'm the one to blame for that... so I'm just happy that someone's keeping him on his toes.

Not talking to anyone is probably the worst way to go about my situation but I'm finding it super hard to be myself at the moment. I can barely talk to anyone, I haven't posted for a week and my supporters are getting worried, I cried while on the phone to my mother the other night— and that's shocking because I couldn't even recall the last time I broke down until then.

I'm just about ready to throw my song book across the room when there's a soft knock at my bedroom door. I tense up at first, waiting for whoever it is to talk. If it's anyone else other than Madelyn, I pretend that I can't hear them and wait until they give up and leave.

"It's just me." Madelyns voice is heard from the other side, making me breathe out a breath of relieved air.

"Come in." I respond, my throat feeling dry from not talking much.

She walks into my room and softly shuts the door behind her, slowly walking further into my room. "Hey, Syd... how are you feeling?"

"The usual." I grumble, leaning back onto my bed frame.

She sighs and sits on the edge of my bed. "I'm worried, Syd... we all are."

I clench my jaw. "I don't won't you guys to worry about me, though," I say, now feeling upset. "That's not what I want. I want you guys to be happy."

"We can't be happy when we know that our friend is struggling." she softly says.

I know I'm screwed when I feel the unfamiliar burn in my eyes and nose. As soon as I feel the wetness drop onto my cheek, I'm quick to hide my face in my hands.

"I'm so sorry, Mads," I sob— my emotions flying out from the bottle i've kept it in the last week. "I'm sorry for making you guys stress out about me. I didn't mean for that to happen. I don't wanna disappoint anyone, that's why I'm trying to get these songs done." I try to explain myself in the best way I possibly can while in this state.

She's quick to fly over to my side and wrap her arms around me, helping me calm down. "No ones disappointed in you. I couldn't be more proud of you, honestly."

I shake my head, my hands still covering my face as she rubs my back. "My label's upset because we could potentially lose a lot of money if i don't get this done, I feel like I'm letting my fans down because I'm not giving them proper content, I'm making you guys worry about me— I'm just constantly fucking up. I want a break. I need a break. I miss home." I ramble.

"Shhh." she whispers, pulling me into her side.

"I miss feeling at home, Mads. I miss feeling like I used to." I stammer, holding onto her tighter.

"I know you do, Sydney, I know you do."

• • •

lol rip

y'all i have the phattest migraine someone come slap it out of my head for me pls

anyways

love u all

stay safe and follow the covid restrictions because i wanna see harry in concert soon and not in seven years 🤡