The Art of Being a F*ck Up

27. Stay the Same

"So? It's not like I have a lot of options." Surprisingly—or sadly, depending on your point of view—I don't feel all that bitter when I say it.

"Why are you so stubborn? Oh my god, I can't even with you sometimes. Even if you hadn't messed up your knee, it's not like you were headed to the NFL or anything, you must have given it some thought."

"You don't think I could've made it to the NFL?" I tease.

"Oh I know you could've made it, but let's be real, you'd never be able to tear yourself away from Jonah long enough." At first she teases back, but she quickly realizes the joke's poor taste when I don't laugh with her. After a long moment she reaches again for the paper, and I let her have it. "I really think you should consider it, Brent. You're talented."

"Thank you, Maddy." There's more sincerity to it when I say it now, and even though I know she's just grasping at straws to paint any future for me that doesn't look so dead-end, I'm grateful. Plus, she unwittingly hits on something important, so I seize the opportunity to turn it around on her. "All this talk, does that mean you've decided what you're going to do then?"

"Hey, this isn't about me." When she dares to venture another laugh, I join in. Her nearly flawless skin stretches taught as she points her face up to the sun with a pretend haughtiness. "And besides, I already told you I'm keeping my options open."

"As you should, but in the meantime," I grab my backpack, rummaging around for the precious cargo I've been storing just for her. It's right where I left it, tucked carefully between the pages of my notebook, and I hold the flimsy advertisement hesitantly before handing it over. "I thought this might be a good thing for you."

"Ballet lessons?" Maddy studies the advertisement that I'd swiped off one of the bulletin boards downtown.

"Yeah. Well, they offer different classes depending on how good you are, but we were talking before about how much you loved to dance, so I thought maybe you'd want to start doing it again." This month has been hell with the not knowing, but I've been steadfast in my resolve to save her. I didn't forget. I did some searches on the internet too, but when I went looking and found this it felt like it was meant to be. This might not be the key to her whole happiness, but I think back to when she was at her best, and it feels like if I can get her in touch with some of that again then maybe the rest will work itself out.

"I can't believe you did this." When she speaks it almost sounds like she's mad, but then she glances up and instead I can see how deeply the gesture touches her. It's all the proof I need that I haven't wasted more time than I'll ever admit looking for things that can bring her any joy—to restore any of that light she's lost. She leans over, wrapping her arms around me in an embrace that lasts longer than I expect before folding up the ad and putting it in her pocket. "Honestly I'm not sure if this is anything I'll do, but the fact that you tried means a lot. You're too sweet."

"You're not going to sign up?"

"I don't know if I'm that girl anymore, you know?" Her eyes widen, and she's unafraid to ask the tough questions, and I realize I can't argue with her because—yes—I do know. Am I even still the same? Maybe she can't see it now, but I still think getting her to remember that girl is the best way to save her, and that's more important to me than ever when I keep getting farther and farther away from myself, and where I want to be. My future, no matter how she wants to frame it, is as uncertain as ever, but I can see just how bright hers remains. It'll take some work to get her there, I just wish she could see that she doesn't need any man to complete her. She's great and worthy all on her own.

We've distracted ourselves too much in our already fleeting time together, so we put away our talk about potential and hope and plans for after we graduate. We go back to reviewing my paper and ensuring that I'm on a clear path to even make it that far, and then we say goodbye to finish out the rest of our days. It feels good to have purpose other than just existing, but helping Maddy doesn't come with the all-encompassing peace I had hoped for, especially when I have such an ugly reality to face. My last class ends and when I'm all out of seconds to stall I head to work.