Solitude

A Solitary Job

The knot twists, getting bigger and bigger, eating away at me. I nuzzle my nose in to Loki, sniffing his scent and his fur, the smell of safety and comfort.

I'm okay. It's okay.

"I can't be like you, working from home all the time." The knot loosens just the tiniest bit when I hear his calm and low voice. He's not angry. He's not angry or yelling. I'm too scared to lift my head to see if he's glaring. "I do feel bad sometimes, leaving him with the staff and when I come home, I'm exhausted and angry and he frustrates me when he doesn't listen and keeps bugging me. You training him has helped. Leaving him with someone who cares for him helps."

I open my eyes, sneaking a quick glance at him. He's not angry, he's just staring at Zeus. The knot relaxes a little more.

"I do love the little buddy. Seeing the impact you've had on him with the training, it made me want to spend time with him. If you can teach him the stuff you have in a month and a half then I should as well." His eyes meet mine and I immediately downturn them.

I smile slightly. "He's not little."

He laughs gruffly. "Very true."

"Walk?"

Alex nods.

It was raining again. A covering of white hid the blue and light rain fell down, a drizzle falling toward the earth. It was cold. There was no wind to whip my hair around my face wildly but the deep dip in temperature threatened the tip of my nose and my fingertips in to falling off.

Alex was in a grey suit, a tanned duster coat protecting his blazer and white shirt. His hands were stuffed in his trouser pockets, his shoulders hunched slightly as he walked.

"Zeus is about to jump in the canal. Tell him no." I whisper to Alex.

"Zeus! No. Away from the water." Alex yells and I step away from him, rubbing my ear softly.

Despite my burst ear drum, I smile when Zeus listens. "See."

I meets my eyes for a second, his lips turning upwards a fraction. "I do see."

We walked in silence, I was aware that it had been ten minutes and twenty six seconds since we last spoke. Since the path was narrow, there was approximately two and a half inches between us. I kept having to swallow the anxiety in my throat.

Twenty seven.

Twenty eight.

Twenty nine.

Thirt-

His phone ringing disrupted the silence and I breathed out a sigh of relief, maybe he would hang back a little and let me walk in my own space. Alone.

He apologised and let me carry on while he answered it.

"What?" He muttered gruffly on to the phone. "Didn't I tell you I was having a day off?... what does day off mean in your mind?... are you too stupid to figure it out?"

I quickened my walk as his voice grew louder, practically shouting in to the phone. Instead of Alex's voice, I heard another. A deep, rough and rage filled voice. The air fogged up as my breathing increased, white smoke exiting my mouth. White smoke. Dragon. Donkey. Shrek. Think of Shrek.

"Well maybe I should fire you! I'm having a day off, work it out yourself. Do not call me unless the building is on fire or else your job will be the consequence."

It was silent again then, only his footsteps pounding against the concrete to catch up with me.

Shrek. Donkey. Dragon. Anger. Rage. Pain.

I was breathing heavier, my breath coming out in shorter bursts. My mind replayed his phone call, the aggressiveness, the shouting, the anger. It caused a knot in my stomach, tightening and increasing in size with every step he took closer to me. He reminded me so much of-

"Sorry about that- are you okay? You look pale."

My breaths were faster now, quickened like I had just ran a one hundred meter sprint.

"Yes." I forced out. My throat was tightening, it was being crushed by the anxiety pummelling my body.

"You don't lo-"

My knees hit the path, pain exploding but I ignored it. It was nothing compared to the throbbing inside my head and the burning in my chest and throat. I fell on to the pavement, pulling my knees to my chest. The moist ground instantly soaked me. I welcomed the coldness that entered my body from the contact. I tried to gulp down as much oxygen as possible, my lungs inflating before I drowned.

So much pain. Excruciating. My lungs were burning. My eyes were blurred. I was glacial and sweltering; shivering and sweating.

A small bark reached me and it was then when I realised I couldn't hear anything. It was just ringing, like there was a alarm thundering in my ear, blocking out the rest of the world.

His soft fur tickled my fingertips, his small body swept across my stomach, his cool and wet nose touching my cheek.

Loki. Loki is near me. Loki is safe. I'm safe. I'm okay.

Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. It hurts. In. Out.

It felt like an eternity before the pain lessened and I could finally breathe again. I gulped down a much needed breath of air, my limbs and muscles relaxing from their locked and strained state when the cool and moist air hit my lungs.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Shakily, I stood up, avoiding Alex's gaze. This was why I avoided people, this was why I separated myself from society. This was why I only had one friend who I saw once a month.

My anxiety controlled my life; I was the puppet and it controlled the strings.

"I'm going to go home now. You're welcome to bring Zeus to my place tomorrow." I whispered roughly and tiredly. Acid had been poured down my throat and every muscle had been burned.

Without another word or glance, I trudged away from him, my head down, tears slipping down my cheeks while the embarrassment flooded my veins. Loki followed closely behind.

I'm okay.