Finding Blood (City Underdark #1)

The Forgotten

"Barmond, Barmond-- wait," said Vanja.

He hurried after Barmond. He had caught up to him as he was crossing the marketplace, that was now empty, but Barmond barely slowed to allow him to do so. He had only grabbed Hugo's shortsword from his room and had left without saying a word. He had to get to the camp-- he hoped the other had not left yet.

"Barmond," said Vanja.

"Why are you following me now?" said Barmond. "You should remain with Yoven. This is going to be dangerous."

"And you're rushing in without a clear mind," said Vanja.

"I'm fine."

"You just had your first kiss!"

Barmond stopped in his tracks.

"I mean," said Vanja, "your first kiss with a man. Are you sure you're all right? You can talk to me."

"It's not my first kiss," said Barmond.

"Well, I didn't mean to imply that-- I said it's your first kiss with a man."

"It's not," said Barmond.

"Pardon?"

Barmond pressed his fingers to his temple, staring out in the emptiness.

"It's not," he repeated, lost in thoughts. "How could I forget this?"

"Erm, Barmond?" said Vanja. "You sort of lost me here."

"I was... I think I was fifteen. He was my man-servant and-- and we kissed." He looked straight at Vanja. "Those were my first kisses."

"Barmond, you're not making any sense. You already kissed a man?"

"We were both boys."

"But then how come... you're not making any sense. I thought you thought you had no idea you liked guys!"

"It's not making any sense! Why would I forget... His name was Heinrich. Heinrich. He was my best friend."

Barmond was looking at Vanja but he didn't see him, he was looking at Henrisch's face instead. A pale, blond boy with hands that seemed too large for his arms and the most awkward smiles. They had gotten into every possible trouble together since they were small. And then... they had become closer than what a servant and a master should become. Closer than what two men should be.

"My mother," said Barmond. "She was the one that caught us."

"And then what happened?" asked Vanja.

"He was sent away. To work on a farm, and I stayed. I felt so terrible about myself. I had ruined everything. My parents hated me. Well, my mother always had. I wasn't her child, so she was more than glad that she had an excuse to hate me. But my father... I couldn't look at him in the face. He couldn't stand me. I wanted to repair my mistake so much that I remembered wishing for my own death."

"Is that why you can't admit that you're bisexual?" asked Vanja.

"I'm not-- I'm--" Barmond stopped himself and took a deep breath. "It was a mistake. A youth's mistake."

"Barmond. Barmond, look at me."

Barmond looked up, in Vanja's eyes. It wasn't until a wave of soothing calm washed over him that he realised that he had been getting worked up over it, his breathing becoming erratic.

"Thank you," he said.

"We can talk about that a bit more later," said Vanja. "Right now, we need to go and see Hugo, I think? You were so adamant about it."