downfalls high

rehab.

two months have come and gone. the pain is still there and the doctors say it will never go away.

my ear is as healed as its going to get. the pain that's inevitable is the heartbreak from losing scarlett. and my baby. and our future. the only future i've ever seen for myself.

"fenix?" the nurse called my name from standing outside my open door.

"your mom is signing the last of the release forms. are you all packed up?" she asked me and i nodded.

i grabbed my backpack and the rest of my belongings out of the plastic bag they made me put them in when they brought me here.

"so fenix, we have to discuss the terms of your discharge. first of all, drugs are prohibited. absolutely zero tolerance. secondly, you will need to find a stable job, remember now stability is key." the nurse rambled on and on.

that was this hospitals big thing. stability. the idea is you get out and get a boring but stable job to be able to sustain a stable income, to be able to sustain a stable home, to be able to sustain a stable boring ass life.

but you have to give them what they want to hear in order to get out of this wretched place. i learned that after the second day here.

i zoned out and was finally handed back my cell phone.

i've been locked in this place i have no contact with the world. my friends have been too scared to contact me let alone come visit me.

scarlett would have come and visited me. scarlett would have been by my side the entire time. she would have let me know that i wasn't alone. she made me feel like i wasn't alone.

but then again, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. i'd be a father. and we'd have the happiest fucking life.

thats the only time i really feel happy, is in my dreams. or at least when i'm just inside my own head, day dreaming. day dreaming of her. my escape is in the memories of us, the memories of her.

i remember the first day we ever talked. 

i was sitting on the bleachers, alone because my only friend at this shit hole school was jimmy. and that mother fucker dropped out. 

i took advantage of these times that i was alone though, i truly didn't mind it all the time. it gave me time to think.

i thought to myself, 'is this even worth it?' i saw no point in spending around 7 hours at a school that feels more like a prison to get a basic education that will get you no where. what is the point of a high school diploma. its not like you can even make a living off just a fucking high school diploma.

this whole system is just so fucked up. the world is so fucked up. and i'm so fucking sick of spending my life in this fucked up world.

i looked up at the clouds and really tried, like actually tried, to picture a future. what do i want to be when i grew up? what do i want to do with my life? but i blanked. all i see is black. i don't want to grow up. fuck that. 

"hey" her soft voice came from underneath the bleachers, interrupting my thoughts. 

"what are you doing up there?" she asked me, looking up at me with her bright beautiful eyes. oh god, her eyes are stunning i almost can't look away. i hear her friends whispering about me. fucking bitches. but there was just something different about her.

"i don't know, sitting. thinkin' about stuff. what are you doing?" i asked her. trying to keep the conversation going, but also curious as to why she was sitting under the bleachers.

"well. i'm not hanging out by myself," she paused. "and the knife landed on you." she said to me with a smile. the most gorgeous smile i had ever seen. i look down to see that her and her friends were playing a game of spin the bottle, but with a pink switchblade instead.

i then heard her whisper back to her friends, "i don't know, he's kinda cute."

i knew at that moment, i had a fucking chance and i was so fucking happy.

"pink switchblades" i typed into the google search on my phone.

if i did learn anything from this rehab or whatever you'd call it is that scarlett would want me to finish what i started. my band. my band for her.

the headlines ranged from us being a big hit to my downfall.

i turned my phone off because fuck that. she believed in me why the fuck do i care what the press thinks. i don't. all i want to do is get the fuck out of here and back to making music.

the car ride back was tiresome. my mother did not speak to me for the whole time. i plugged my headphones into my phone and for the first time in two months, i listened to my music.

this if anything, felt like coming home. not the fact that i'm on my way to my house, but listening to my music. my safe place. because i do it all for her.

we shortly arrived at my mothers house. my father left when i was about the age of 8, honestly i don't remember much about him. besides the fact he was a low life drug addict. but fuck it, hey maybe thats where i get it from.

i pick up my pink guitar. it feels as though its been ages since i've held the last gift scarlett gave me. the cold of the strings sent a shiver down my spine as i touched them.

i plugged the guitar into my amp and my head phones into the amp. i started on something new, just strumming the guitar waiting for the muscle memory to kick in.

as i was playing, i just started singing to myself.

she loved,

a boy so much.

she wants,

him to steal her breath.

she loved,

a boy so much.

she wants, 

him to steal her breath.