In Cold Blood [Ash Lynx] - Banana Fish

One - Without Me

Head heavy with his numb, tear-stained cheek digging into the stone, Ash struggles to keep his eyes open —aching and lacklustre. His head spins and throbs.

A cold sweat forming on his forehead and his pulse speeding up, he wonders if what he's really experiencing is a heart attack, not just blood loss.

Dizzy, nauseated, weak.

Is this it?

Is this really how I die?

All the heartache, misery, pain and suffering he's endured for years was all leading to this.

Dying on the stone steps of his favourite building in the city from a stab wound by a bitter member of the Chinese gang.

Many times during his life in New York had the Public Library been a solace to him. Although he didn't like to think much about his time living with Dino —most of it being filled with sexual assault and abuse— he couldn't help but be happy he learned so much about books. Along with his old teacher Blanca, who also read a lot, Dino taught him about the most famous works of literature in history, Ash's favourites being Hemmingway and Sallinger. Going to the library helped remind him of his studies, but he also felt strangely nostalgic when he went there.

Most children, if not all, spend their childhood going to school, getting an education and going on to either study in college or start in the workforce. Ash can't say he had a normal childhood, or life, and there's a lot he regrets, but there are a handful of things he wants to remember and be thankful for.

In a state of vertigo and confusion, Ash takes one of his blood-stained hands away from his wound and into his trench coat. Inside his breast pocket, he retrieves the bloody, tear-stained letter with an unsteady hand and he drops his gaze down to his lap. He curls up tighter, focusing his eyes and re-reading the letter again.

'I'm really glad I came to America. I met lots of people.

And more than anything, I met you.'

No longer feeling any pain, now just numbness, Ash silently cries, the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Eiji..." He mumbles weakly to himself.

Looking up at the tall building, he admires its beauty, thinking back to Eiji —the two of them sat eating hot dogs together, only last week. The two sat by the pillar, not far from his current spot, chatting and jokingly mocking each other.

Trembling, Ash tastes the warm, salty sensation of his tears on his dry lips. His head throbs.

Body shaking, he attempts to hold up the letter again.

'You told me once about a leopard you read in a book. How you believed that leopard knew that it couldn't go back.

And I said you weren't a leopard, that you could change your destiny.'

It's true, he'd read Hemmingway's 'The Snows of Kilimanjaro' when he was about thirteen. In the story, the leopard continues to climb the snowy mountain, despite the harsh conditions, and it dies in the snow. Ash always wondered if the leopard was looking for something or if it simply felt compelled to continue climbing.

Ash read the last line of Eiji's letter again.

'You're not alone. I'm by your side.

My soul is always with you.'

All the people in his life that he's met has moulded him into the person he is today —some he'd have rather not met, but nonetheless they had helped shape him.

His father had made him realise that it was hard to forgive people. Griffin had cared for him from a young age and Ash ultimately returned that favour once he'd found him in the veteran hospital, almost completely unresponsive and brain dead as a result of Banana Fish. Dino had moulded him as a gang leader, but also ruined Ash's innocence. Blanca had taught him the skills he used to this day and showed him kindness in a time where he needed it the most. Max had looked out for him during their time in prison and helped throughout the Banana Fish scheme; Ash really considered him a father figure, despite all the jokes he made. Shorter, his best friend, had helped him figure out who he was outside of the pain he experienced when he was young.

But of everyone he'd met throughout the years, whether they are now dead or alive, the most surprising of them all had been Eiji.

He seemed like a quiet, innocent, Japanese teen that wouldn't mean anything to him; but, quite unexpectedly, he changed everything.

Of course, he put Eiji in a lot of danger —including him getting shot in the torso— and he had insisted that Eiji was safer with himself in the city. Really, he'd known from the start that he was wrong, yet he kept Eiji with him anyway.

Ash sobs, clutching the letter with one hand and his stomach with the other, the blood on his clothes, surrounding the edge of the wound, now drying up.

"Eiji!"

He calls out hopelessly, controlling his breathing for a moment while his heart thumps loudly in his chest and his ears. As if waiting for a reply, Ash's whimpers fill the silence.

Desperate, he raises his gaze to look at his surroundings, for any sign of another person, only to see an empty street.

Attempting to stand up, Ash's legs give way and he crashes back onto the steps, defeated.

He continues to lay down in his collapsed state, frail and completely alone. He listens. He breathes. He waits.

A light dusting of snow starts to fall, like a thin, white blanket. It settles, covering him, the steps and the quiet street.

The pain starts to fade away. His body relaxes. He feels content.

The fading sun shines over the building and Ash looks up at the light. Tears streaming, smiling faintly.

His mind returns to the calm waters of Cape Cod and the happy face of his father. He turns to the side to see Eiji holding his hand, smiling back at him.

Ash had never believed in any God or deity, but he was choosing now to send out a silent prayer.

A prayer of forgiveness.

A prayer of peace.

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"tell me, how's it feel sittin' up there?

feelin' so high, but too far away to hold me" - Halsey