The Healer- A Draco Malfoy Fanfiction

Chapter 44: Draco's POV

I thought I could easily make her mine. But her refusal stung more than any curse, jinx, or hex, and only made me even more obsessed with her. I was the youngest Death Eater to ever exist; a slave to the Dark Lord, and slave to a teasing, beautiful 5th year.

I must have lost my mind a thousand times over her.

When I didn't see her, I constantly wondered where she was, and what she was doing. It drove me mad. I had never felt this psychologically plagued by someone before in my entire life, not even by that infernal Potter. I had once told Pansy that I could never be anyone's boyfriend- but for Erica, I would be whatever she wanted- her lover, her protector, even her husband.

When the darkness of reality became too much I retreated into a daydream where Erica took my last name, bore me heirs, and stood by my side as my jewel-eyed matriarch in a society of pureblood wizards. But nothing was ever that easy- no, how could I ever live a life of such light when I had devoted myself to the forces of dark?

She just had to be a half-Squib.

My entire life I had known one truth. That Muggles were filth, but Squibs were worse. Squibs were proof of the magical bloodline failing, and that was unacceptable in the eyes of my father, and my father's father, and every Malfoy patriarch before them. If they knew I had stuck my dick in the child of a Squib, my ancestors would curse me in their graves.

With just four words, those emerald eyes of hers set fire to every hope and dream I had for us that I was nurturing in the locked chambers of my mind. It was like the girl I loved had suddenly died, and I was left to mourn her, alone.

I was angry at myself for unknowingly committing heresy. I was even more disgusted with myself that I couldn't seem to let go of her enough to sell her out and expose her. The person I was before I knew her wouldn't have hesitated to do cruel things to a half-Squib. But I wasn't that person anymore. She had changed me into someone I didn't know, and it was like my very soul had betrayed itself.

My grief was arduous and self destructive. I spent long, cold nights smoking Muggle tobacco in the astronomy tower until my throat was raw. I went to war with myself, questioning everything I thought I knew. I hated her for making me feel this way; like I couldn't recognize my own mind, for I was now a starving dog gnawing at its own leg, trying to forget the taste of meat.

Trying to forget the sound of her moans.

Trying to forget the pinks of her lips.

Trying to forget how good it felt to be inside the flesh that was warm with tainted blood.

I wanted to kill her, and fuck her at the same time.

...God, I might be the most fucked up person on the planet.

Eventually I convinced myself that we could live in separate harmony in the castle. As long as she didn't tell my secret, I wouldn't tell hers, and we could continue our symbiotic relationship from afar. I wanted her to remain in the castle. She needed to be somewhere I could watch her. Even though I couldn't have her close to me, I just had to know she was there.

I tried to ignore the emotion I still harbored for her while we were at the Manor, but it was impossible. By then, my feelings for her had festered and bound themselves around my beating heart like rotten ropes of gauze. I was contaminated by her. She had sworn to heal me, and instead she left me with an incurable infection in the core of my very being. My love for her was ingrained in me as much as the Dark Mark was ingrained in my skin. She was my first love- and the only love I wanted, in this life and the next.

The Dark Lord saw that.

The Dark Lord viewed love as a weapon of war; something to be used against people as an incentive to do his bidding. He wanted to kill Erica. But I informed him that she was being used as a part of my plan to distract the students and staff of the castle while I carried out his will. I convinced him that she was essential. I pleaded with him to take my life and spare hers if I failed. He accepted my condition, and smiled as he did so.