Favorite Crime [Deadpool X Reader]

Chapter One - Intro

We should be more careful.

But, dude, we can literally heal like a boss.

And you think like an imbecile.

could you two please try to get along ?

"Thank you." you say through your teeth as you stretch, your wounds healing, thanks to your healing factor. You start limping away from the vehicle, into an alley, where you stretch on the ladder. After a little bit, you leave the alley, slamming your head into a wall to try and stop the voices from arguing again.

You ignore the crack you made and all the scared/confused/dirty looks you get, making your way to your 'favorite' bar, "-well, fuck you!" Zoey squeaks at Weasel.

"Your mommy said you can't drink any vodka, Zoey." he tries reasoning, only for Zoey to flip him off with her small tongue sticked out as you walk up to them.

"Mommy!" she squeaks and leaps into your arms. You stumble a little before smiling and hugging her back, "Uncle Weasel was ruuuude!"

"What did you do?" you ask him, your grin visible from under your mask.

"He didn't let me drink the dizzy thingy!" you gasp dramatically and place a hand on your chest while readjusting Zoey in your arms.

"How dare you?!" you ask in a British accent, pointing a finger at him, "You fucking monster! Oh!" you gently hit your gloved hand on your forehead while throwing your head to the side, "I can't even!"

Zoey giggles, "So, can I have?"

"No." you say sternly and look up at Weasel, who's grinning ear to ear at your performance, "Thanks, Weaz."

"Don't mention it." he responds and gives you a small wave as you leave, waving back.

He's so kind to us.

We should fuck him.

what ?! just because he's nice to us, doesn't mean we should !

Yeah! What's wrong with you?!

"Guys, I like him, but not that way. We all feel that way about him." you state, rolling your eyes, while Zoey watches, interested in the part of your conversation she's hearing.

At least give him a kiss~.

No!

just staaaappp .

"You're just weird, we're not doing that." you roll your eyes and shake your head.

... So I'll take that as a maybe~.

No!!!

--

You lay Zoey in her bed, tucking her in gently, "Goodnight, sweetie." you say softly.

"Mommy," you hum in response, "why do you always wear your mask?"

Explain, she'll understand.

Lie.

do what you want. She doesn't have to know, but it would help if you told her .

"Because." you say simply and stand up, "G'night." you switch off the light, allowing the nightlight to take over for lighting up the room.

"Goodnight, mommy." you leave, closing the door softly. You take a deep breath, loosening your hair as you slide your feet into the living room. You honestly hate the way you look. You just hate your face. You hate that you have to cover up your face with a mask just to hide.

"Ugh, fuck me." you grumble and take a sip of the beer you hadn't even noticed you had in your hand. You plop onto the sofa in the living room, taking sips of it, "I'm gonnaaaaaaa die alo-oone." you sing out, not too loud though. You click your fingers along to the rhythm in your mind, "And I'm in loooove with a bartender, I thiiiiink." you take a sip of the beer, "There's blood on my jeans and flesh in my pocke-ets. Oooooooh, death be kinda thiiicc."

You start to cry silently, drinking your beer as the voices start to chat about you, "And I hate my life, oh." you choke on your tears a little, "Fuck me up like I already am. Wanna cry all night, yeah..." you sigh softly, "I think I wanna die..."

Oh, honey...

You gotta fuck the feelings out, man.

i think she's already fucked up...

No, I mean, she gotta fuck Weasel.

"I don't know anymore..." you mumble and lay down, downing the drink.

i think we all just... need a break...

From everything...

... So, we not-

We're not.

You toss the bottle against the wall, having it shatter against the wood. You sigh softly, your lip quivering. You close your eyes, trying to sleep, but the two voices keep arguing. Groaning, you pull the silent gun out of your holster and shoot yourself in the head.

~two days later~

You walk into the bar, Zoey on your shoulders. You walk straight to the bar counter, looking straight into Weasel's eyes, "I need a tough one." you state, "One that'll be so intense that it'll make me piss myself."

"Um, okay then." you lower Zoey onto the counter, helping her sit. She rests her head on your shoulder, humming softly, "Here's a customer, but..."

"But?"

"I'd advise you to do this with someone." he states, handing you the card while picking up Zoey.

"Who, though?" you ask, looking up at Weasel after reading the bit of information written on the card.

"I have a friend who's a merc." he states.

Better be a hot ass gorl.

Calm yourself.

I'm gonna fuck the shit outta her.

"Who is she and where can I find her?" you ask innocently, watching Zoey cuddle into Weasel's shoulder, holding onto him, not caring if she would fall, because she knows for a fact that he wouldn't drop her.

"Actually, the merc is man." he says with a chuckle, "He's usually annoying the X-Men, eating, at his house or catching on nonsense."

"Huh..." you nod slowly, "So, where?"

"Try the food truck around the corner," he smiles softly, "he usually goes there for a snack before coming here."

"Okay, thanks." he then continues to describe how the male looks before you greet you daughter and leave the building, heading to the truck a block away. You rush to the red suited male, who's walking in the direction of the building, "Hey," you greet him. He stops and looks down at you, "you're Deadpool, right?"

"Yeeeeeeeah, why?" you don't respond, pulling him into an alley, "Heh, rape." you roll your eyes.

Tell him the truth. Be hone-

He's so hooooooot.

Dude!

"Look," you start off, "I need your help going on this mission." you state, "Either you go and get a different job or we stop wasting time and you come with me." he hums, stroking his masked chin with his gloved hand, almost like when a cartoon character thinks.

"Sure!" he cheers, "So, what's your name?" you stare at him blankly.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, silly! What's your name?" Deadpool asks again.

"Babe." you respond, shrugging.

"Kinky." you roll your eyes with a giggle, "So, where-?"

"Follow me," you grin from under your mask, pulling him by his hand to follow you.