2 (jaylor) ethereal daylight and golden epiphanies

chapter eighteen.

Not even her mother's words could make up for the pain that her father had just caused. This wasn't the first time he'd left her stranded like this, but this was the kind of damage that cannot be undone. Last time she'd made excuses as to why he left. Last time she'd forgiven him. Last time she'd thought that he wouldn't do it again. But here she was, left reeling on the biggest day of her life. He'd left her, again. And it was fucking hard for her not to have a meltdown in the hospital because it all just took her back. Her own father had ruined such a lovely day. He'd painted the golden skies with a dirty brush, streaking grey across the globe. 
This was the biggest day of her life, she'd just brought her daughter into the world, and she couldn't even feel entirely happy about that because her heart was aching. 
Because it all just reminded her much of Adam. Adam, telling her that he loved her, that he'd never hurt her ever again before his hand connect with her cheek. Her father, telling her how loved she was, how he'd never leave her like before. And he'd done just that. 

It was a relief to get into the car, and a few minutes later, Joe and her mother came out with Thea. Taylor offered to sit in the back with her.  She looked at her the entire drive home, trying to remind herself that this was supposed to be a happy day. This wasn't supposed to be a day of pain. This was supposed to be the day that she'd remember for the rest of her life, the day that the next chapter of her life started. It wasn't supposed to be the day she remembered because her father left her at the hospital. 
And then she couldn't help but feel even more frustrated with herself, because she started to feel like maybe there was something wrong with her. Maybe there was something wrong with her and that's why he kept leaving. Was she not good enough for him? Fuck, she didn't feel like she was good enough for anyone. Not her mom, or Joe, or even little Thea. Taylor reached out and took her little hand, and she wrapped her tiny little fingers around Taylor's. It managed to bring a smile to her lips, managed to drown out a little bit of the grey. 
The fundamental fact was, that Taylor had this big fear of never being enough for people, never being able to give them all that they wanted. That feeling had gotten better recently, but this had all brought it back. 
She focused on Thea, her little fingers, her little eyelashes, her tiny fingernails.
Those were the things she had to focus on. Because she had named her Thea for a reason. Because Taylor already knew that Thea would bring the light back to her life when all she could see, stretching out in front of her for miles, was darkness. 
One of the things that Taylor had learnt recently, was how important it was to hold onto the things that make you feel daylight and never let them go, even when nothing but inky waters echo around you. It's how you learn to survive in the darkness. 

Olivia, Meredith and Benjamin knew that something wasn't right when they saw Joe walking through the door with the car seat. They were curious about what it was, and when they were finally in the safety of their own home, Joe finally pulled Taylor into him. 
"Do you need to have a big cry?" He asked her softly, and she just buried her head in his neck, her arms holding him close to her. 
"I'm not good enough for all this, Joe. I... clearly I'm not good enough for anyone if even my dad left." Just saying those words, feeling them on her tongue, brought tears to her eyes. "I'm not good enough for Thea-"
"Taylor," Joe said, cupping her cheeks. His voice was warm but serious. "You can't listen to those thoughts, love. They're not good thoughts, and they certainly aren't true. You are more than enough. You did so well today, I'm so proud of you. Look what you did!" He gestured to the car seat. "You are truly and completely good enough for her. And this isn't about you. This is about the fact that he left you when he should have stayed." Joe wiped away her tears. "Because he should have stayed. But that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you, Taylor. That doesn't mean anything. You are enough. You're enough for all of us. You're going to be such a great mother, and I know, with one hundred per cent certainty, that you will never, ever do what he just did to you." 
Joe's words did what they always did - cracked their way into the darkness and helping her climb out of that obsidian abyss. 
"I've ruined today-" Taylor began, but Joe cut her off, holding a finger to her lips. 
"No, you haven't. Come on, let's get you into some comfy clothes, and why don't we tell Patrick and Austin that they're going to be Uncles?" Joe distracted her, and she smiled. It hurt, to smile when she felt like this. Sometimes it truly felt like a smile would crack her face, sometimes it felt as if she was made of porcelain... as if she was too delicate to touch... as if she needed to be kept in a glass box. 

Joe helped her to get into pyjama's, helped her to put some warm socks on. Andrea was downstairs on the phone to Scott, and Taylor felt that pain begin to prick again. Joe had put Thea to sleep in the bassinet that they'd built. It sat beside Taylor's side of the bed, and while she was trying to ignore her mom yelling through the phone, she watched Thea sleep. It made her feel better, having her home. 
"Taylor?" Joe asked, and Taylor realised that she'd been too busy thinking.
"Sorry..." She smiled. "What were you saying?"
"I was just asking if you wanted something to eat." She knew she hadn't really eaten very much, and nodded. Even though that was the last things she wanted to have to worry about. 
Andrea was off the phone when they got downstairs, and Taylor couldn't help but smile when she saw Joe with the baby monitor in his hand. They'd spent an entire afternoon figuring out how to get it to work, setting up the camera in the perfect angle to make sure that Thea would be clearly seen. He was a natural. Taylor knew that her mom was pretending that everything was alright, but she already knew that her mom was as mad and upset as she was. 

Taylor always thought that the worst kind of pain was possibly between partners, people who fall out of love... or realise they were never in love in the first place. Never, did she think that she'd have to feel the agony of her father simply... tolerating her love. That hurt more than anything she could've ever imagined. Because she'd thought that it just wasn't possible. That kind of pain, the kind that leaves you shipwrecked on a forgotten island, that leaves you in fragments, the kind of pain that they try to heal with forehead kisses, or 'I'm sorry', or excuse after excuse, that kind was the cruellest sort of pain. Especially when they leave you battered and bruised on the day of your life when you need them most.