2 (jaylor) ethereal daylight and golden epiphanies

chapter eight.

She'd never forgive herself for this - even though Joe told her over and over again that she had to. She'd never let this go, never move on. She should have listened to everyone else - fuck, she should've listened to her own body telling her that she was exhausted. She was lying in bed, Joe sound asleep beside her. She'd slept on the plane, and she was too mad at herself now to sleep. It was mid morning, and she got out of bed quietly. She didn't want to wake up Joe, she knew how tired he was too. She put on her slippers, smiling at the little cats that were on them. It was so good to be home.
She went downstairs, closing the bedroom door quietly so she didn't wake Joe up.
It was sunny outside, and her Mom was already awake.
Taylor didn't feel ready to face people yet. She already felt like she was a disappointment, and she didn't want people to tell her that she wasn't. She didn't want people to try and convince her that she was okay, or that she had to let it go. It was something that was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She'd never forgive herself.
"Good morning, honey," her mom smiled as Taylor walked into the kitchen. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired," Taylor gave her a small smile in return. "And a little hungry."
"Your dad's just gone to the supermarket to pick up some groceries, and then I'll make everyone breakfast." Her mom pulled her in for a hug. "How are you?"
Taylor sighed. She'd gotten to a point in her life where she hadn't hated that question so much, but now, she it had resurfaced. But she pushed those feelings down - this was her mother. Of course she could talk to her. "I just can't believe what I did," Taylor admitted. "And I know that Joe had told me that I need to let it go... that the baby is okay, and I'm okay, too... but I just can't stop feeling like that. I just wish that I could go back in time and do it all over again. If I could just cancel the tour from day one, if I could stay home and... then everything would have happened the way it was supposed to. It's supposed to be such a special time and I ruined it. All of it."
Her mom wrapped an arm around her. "Taylor, I know you. And I know that nothing I can tell you is going to stop you from feeling this way about yourself," her mom told her honestly. "I know that you are feeling like it's all your fault, but you really do have to let it go. Joe is right, honey. The baby is okay. You are okay. That's all that matters - you can forget about it now. You're making yourself hurt more than you need to," Andrea looked at her daughter, tears in her eyes. "What happened doesn't take away from what a special time it is, Taylor."
"I know... but I just-"
"No, honey. You need to stop for a moment and let it go - just like your song said. I know that's an important song to both you and Joe - and you've got to listen to it. Step into the daylight and let it go."
Taylor sighed, because her mom was right. Of course she was. Her mom was right about everything.
She smiled at her mom. "Thanks, mom."

Taylor sat by the piano. She was trying to come up with a reason why she'd have to cancel the rest of the tour, and why she was in hospital. Her hands rested on the keys, she often sat here, at the piano when she wanted to think. She played a little tune, pressing record on the voice recorder in her phone. She had to make this up to her fans, and she knew that there'd only be one way that she could ever get them to move on from the fact she'd cancelled the tour.
"Good morning," Joe came into the room with a smile. His hair was hanging over his face, and Taylor smiled. "I'm sorry I slept in so late." He stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
"Don't apologise for that," Taylor smiled, looking up at him and kissing him. "I think I've finally decided why I've cancelled the tour, and why I was in the hospital," Taylor said. He sat down on the seat beside her, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. "Because I really don't want anyone to find out that we're going to have a baby. I don't want them to discuss our relationship, or anything because it's just not up for discussion. I don't want them to know. I'm just going to disappear off the face of the earth for a while," she looked at him and smiled.
"I'll walk off the precipice with you," Joe took her hand. "You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks today," he murmured as he kissed her forehead. "What are you going to say?"
"I'm going to... tell them about my eating disorder. I'm going to say that I was in recovery, but tour has made it impossible. I fainted backstage at the end of the concert because I hadn't been eating enough." Taylor paused. "I'll just be open about the fact that it's not an easy thing to recover from... I mean, it's not exactly a lie. I've lost weight again." This upset her. Once upon a time this would have made her happy, but now it felt as if she was losing all her progress. She'd worked so hard to get here, to put on more weight and to look healthier. But the stress of the last few weeks had really taken its toll on her. It wasn't a good thing - it was too tempting to fall into her old habits. She sighed.
"Hopefully now that you're home... we'll be able to look after you," Joe took her hands. "Do we need to write something up?" Taylor nodded. She loved writing with him, and hoped that one day they'd be able to write a song together. She opened her notes app, getting ready to think of different things she could say.
"Tree is coming around in an hour or so to make sure that we say all the right things... because it is such a big announcement." Taylor looked over at him, and he smiled. "It's nice to be home." He brushed a loose strand of hair away from her eyes, and kissed her. "Even though I love touring, there's nothing like being here. With you." She kissed him again.
"We'll get all of this sorted, okay? Once this is over, we can relax, and you can do whatever you want. We can lie in bed all day, we can make forts if we want to, you can take long and luxurious baths in the afternoon," he chuckled. "Do you know how you want to start the post?" Taylor's smile slipped from her face as she looked down at the blank page on her phone screen.
"I don't know - do I soften the blow, with some pretty, poetic words, or do I just come right out and say it? And we're going to have to have a story figured out before Tree gets here, because I still don't want her to know. Not yet." Joe nodded, resting a hand reassuringly on Taylor's back. "Do you think it's okay that we don't tell them?"
He nodded. "Perhaps if we were intending to live our lives as normal - but you're planning on staying out of sight. I don't think we need to tell anyone just yet."
"Have you told your family?" Taylor asked and he shook his head.
"I wanted to make sure it was okay with you first," he smiled.
"Of course you can," Taylor felt guilty that she hadn't even asked him if he'd told them earlier. She just felt like such a bad fucking person today. "I'm sorry I never asked you sooner."
"No, no! Don't feel bad at all, my love. Not at all. I thought it was a good idea to wait a little while anyway." He kissed her forehead.
"I'm sorry." Taylor whispered.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." He kissed her cheek, and smiled.