breakdown

I never felt like this in the longest time but a tsunami of emotions kinda destroyed everything and got me feeling like a literal shit. all sort of things being crumpled up together and i finally lost it. I'm starting to compare my current self with the one in the past who succeeded in everything, who is active and consistently find something to do and excel in it. Where is that girl? Have you seen her anywhere? Kinda miss her alot. Please report to base. Can I have that high spirited and carefree girl back this instant just to make myself feel okay again? Or is that too much to ask.. 

Me being this emotional is so bizarrely scary because I strictly don't welcome any negativity, neither internally nor externally and that the positive side of me will instantly be alerted if they sense something ain't right. Hence, a flush of positivity will withdraw the unwanted feelings off my chest leaving the normal happy-go-lucky me again. 

Can the title not be that negative though, breakdown? Are you freaking kidding me who the hell gave that title, let me meet her. Change it to something a little bit cheerful? Maybe breakdance? Did you laugh? No? Me too it's okay I tried. Do not feel bad for me, but feel bad for the joke who got no one laughed. I think I know what I need.. the confidence, the optimistic person who look positive in everything. Literally. Even if a creep was asking for help for the wrong intentions, I would gladly help because of how pitiful his situation is. Is he lost? Come let me help you. YES that's how positive I was back then. Craving for the people who would make me be myself again. If not the people, just the least motivation to make me be on my feet again. I know I can do this I just need time and patience. Failures are common and they knock you in the face real hard, you get back up and punch them back biacth. 

Isn't it funny how I explained everything, how devastating it is just to go through this sort of "breakdown" and a suddenly I was the one who inserts the positivity towards the end by giving myself comforting words like failures are common and shit. So are you saying that I still got some optimistic leftovers in me? I am so confused I really don't know what to feel now. However, this particular journal has realised me there are actually rainbows beyond the tornados and tsunamis. I was the one who make the rainbows appear and I was the one who comforted myself after this breakdown. Hence, I think everyone could do it too and not wait until someone to suddenly emerge from the thick fog just to say nice motivating words. NOPE. That's not gonna happen and let it be you who rescue yourself from your own misery. Have a nice tsunami day.