Just Friends || h.s.

54

January 28, 2020

I'm sorry.

I never thought I'd write to you again. It's been forever, but hi.

I would ask how you are, but what's the point? It's not like you'll ever see this journal.

I know it's been years and I should have moved on by now, but I haven't. Zayn has tried getting me to date, but it never worked out. Nobody deserves to be dating someone who is still in love with his ex.

Yeah, you saw that right. I still love you.

Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of you. I would have random moments during the day where I'd ask myself "I wonder how Maddie is doing."

So many places here remind me of you and it made it hard to go out. Even sleeping in my bed was hard. I started sleeping in Gemma's room after she moved out, but that made me miss her too.

She got married recently. You would have loved the wedding. She wanted you here.

My mum also got married to Robin over a year ago. They also wish you would have been able to come.

Also, I cut my hair. Six inches. You should have seen how long it grew out. I cut it to the length I know you loved on me. You used to call me a prince.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing in here after so long is because I have some news. Zayn got a teaching job in Toronto, and he asked me to move out there with him...so I am.

Wednesday is my last day in England. My flight to Toronto leaves tonight. I don't know if I'll ever see you. Toronto is a big city.

I didn't think this through. I know you live there, and that makes me nervous. What if I run into you? What would I even say?

Fuck, maybe I shouldn't move. But it's too late. I'm already packed and I have a flight booked. I can't back out now.

To this day I still miss you, and not a day goes by where I don't regret leaving you the way I did. Ghosting someone is a dick move, and I did it when I was trying to get better so you wouldn't have to deal with the amount of times I relapsed.

I don't know if you are seeing someone, but I really hope you're happy.

I told myself everyday that you deserved so much better than me, but I hated the idea of you with anyone else so I became better.

And I am better. Two years sober. You'd be proud of me.

I have to go finish packing but hopefully I'll see you again one day.

You are and always will be the love of my life. Ti amo, baby.

-H.

I stood in my closet silently, just staring at the paper for I don't even know how long. I'm sure I had tears in my eyes, but not enough to call it crying.

"Are you done yet?" I hear Nick call out, breaking me out of my thoughts.

Folding the paper up and putting it back between the journal pages, I grab the first black lingerie piece I could find and shout "almost!"