2 (jaylor) ethereal daylight and golden epiphanies

chapter seven.

Taylor's eyelids felt heavy. Her whole body felt heavy. She was exhausted. She couldn't believe what had happened, what she'd done to herself. What she might have done to the baby - she'd never forgive herself if something had happened. Never forgive herself if she'd pushed herself too far. She would never, ever forgive herself if she was the reason she lost the baby. It would crush her more than anything in her entire life ever had before. Not even when Kanye interrupted her speech in 2009, or when she'd discovered that her music was going to be sold to someone that wasn't her, or when she found out that her best friend had been telling Scooter private information about her personal life. None of that would even compare to the pain she'd feel if she'd fucked this up. Slowly, reality found its way back to her. She opened her eyes, felt Joe's hand on hers, heard muttering in the room she was in. All she wanted right now was to be home, with Joe. Miles away from the tour, miles away from all of this. She'd give anything to do it all over again, to cancel the tour from day one. She could've made it up to the fans in a couple of years.
"At least she's okay," she heard her mom say as her eyes opened. Joe had started saying something but stopped when he realised that Taylor was waking up.
She opened her eyes slowly, the room was much too bright.
"Is..." she started talking, her voice croaking. "Is the... is the baby okay?" It already felt as if her heart was cracking before Joe even answered her.
"We don't know yet." Joe said as he kissed her forehead. "The doctor is coming to see us soon. They're just doing a few tests." Joe was strangely calm. Taylor wasn't calm, and she felt like the fact that they had to run tests was a bad sign. She'd done this. It was all her fault. She started crying, and Joe leaned in close to her.
"I'm sorry." She told him. "This is all my fault. I shouldn't have performed... I'm sorry that I've done this." She sobbed. She faintly recognised that her parents and Patrick leaving, and was relieved when it was just her and Joe. She cried into her pillow. "I will never forgive myself if something happens, Joe. I should've stopped - I should've told you how bad I really-"
"Taylor," Joe whispered, kissing her and brushing her hair out of her face. "My biggest concern is making sure that you are okay." He paused, squeezing her hand. "You can't control what happens."
"But I could! I could have stopped, Joe. I knew the entire day that I felt awful. I knew that it was worse than before. I knew when I was standing in the dressing room trying to stop the room from spinning that I shouldn't go on that stage. But I fucking did it anyway. That was my choice." Taylor sobbed. She covered her face with her hands. She wanted it all to go away - she wanted it to fade into nothing. This kind of pain was something she'd never faced before - and she was certain that she never wanted to face it ever again. It would be her fault.
Joe pulled her hands away from her face, but she didn't want to look at him. He'd only been trying to help her this entire time, making sure that she wasn't over working herself and this is how she repaid him for that? She'd never fucking hated herself as much as she did in this moment.
"Ah, Miss Swift," A voice said to her as she was about to sob harder. "It's good to see that you're awake, I'm Doctor Carter." The woman had a smile on her face.
Taylor pulled herself together, unable to stop her chin from wobbling. If she'd lost the baby, she was going to be a bomb, ready to explode. Her broken pieces would shatter around her.
Taylor couldn't bring herself to ask the question which would haunt her until the day she died.
"Your baby is okay, Miss Swift," the woman said as she stood beside her. "We had to run a few tests as it was not easy to find a heartbeat because your vitals were all so low. But everything is looking fine. Our concern isn't the baby, now that we know that it is alright. Our concern is now you." The doctor told her. She paused, and Taylor knew what was coming. "You are extremely dehydrated, which is why we've put you on the drip, and from what we gather, you haven't been eating properly recently. These factors will have contributed to what happened this evening, along with the fact that you are clearly exhausted. I read that the doctor you last visited recommended that you cancel the tour?"
Taylor closed her eyes. Her baby was okay. The baby was okay. This made her cry harder. Joe was still holding her hand, still stroking it gently.
"Yes, that's what we were told," Joe answered for her. She was relieved that she didn't have to speak. Her baby was okay. Nothing else mattered as much as that.
"I'm afraid to tell you, that you are going to have to cancel the tour," the doctor told her. "Unless you can assure me that you will eat, drink and sleep properly every single night... but I think that you would be putting both yourself and your child at risk, Miss Swift, if you put yourself through this stress again." Taylor closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She had already known, from the second she felt the room spin, that this would be the end of the Lover tour. "It's going to be important that you put yourself and your baby first."
Taylor nodded. She knew this. She was upset, but nothing was more important than the fact that her baby was okay.