Tris,
I made promises, and I didn't keep them and I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for the things I've done. Zeke was my best friend and I practically killed his brother. I couldn't protect him from his alcohol addiction and I wasn't careful enough to protect him from the explosion. I could've stopped it. I could've saved him.
It's my entire fault. I never properly understood what it was like to kill someone you loved until I became part of the cause of Uriah's death. I miss him, Stiff. I understand now. What it feels like to kill a friend, even if it isn't intentional. It hurts and I don't think the pain ever goes away. Lucky for you, you're gone so you don't have to feel it anymore. I hate that I still do.
Having to face Zeke and his mum and tell them that their son wasn't going to wake up is the second worst thing that has ever happened to me, placing just after losing you. Zeke had already lost his Dad; Hana had already lost her husband. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve to have another piece of their families puzzle taken from them before it was his time. Uriah didn't deserve this. It should have been me. I deserved it.
I am filled with guilt. He deserved so many more memories and a life so much more fulfilled than what he received. I was at fault for it. I am the cause of him not being able to create for memories. I am to blame. It was me. I didn't protect him. I lost him and I wrenched him from everyone else in the process. He was my friend's brother, and then my friend, too, though not for long enough to let his humour work its way into me, not for long enough.
I am filled with grief. Not only for you along with the fixed thought of your last breaths, but for Uriah, and his smile that is burned into my memory, a smile that I destroyed. I need to see him. I need to apologise. I need to leave.
