Life, death, & the in between

Chapter one

The voices dilute my thoughts again while boarding the fighter 'You think she's with you? Do you think she will follow you into madness? She doesn't want to be with a murderer she never loved you, you trapped her, imprisoned her, and then handed her into death's grip like she was nothing.

You're foolish Ren...to think anyone would ever love you...you belong only to the darkness. Embrace it Ren let it consume you with rage...' cliched fists heart pounding against my chest, instead of lashing out my quaking fingers find their way to the crystal outline resting just beneath my tunic.

Slowly rubbing its shape with eyes shut tight my senses fade, pushing everything away the only sound I hear is my shallow breathing. Quietly I whisper "(y/n)...are you here? Please don't leave me..." waiting in the silence for what feels like an eternity hoping for anything, any sign she's still here...but nothing comes.

Only silence, which quickly dissipates against the roaring of my fighters engine, anger fuels inside my veins as memory takes over and unwillingly I guide the fighter into the air, pulling out of the base with one final huff of rage I slam the gear forward leaving my (y/n)...my heart...my everything behind.

*** (reader insert view)

Watching Kylo descent into madness was harder than death itself, everyday his light faded, his heart grew cold, and I was that much closer to watching the man I loved disappear.

After the darkness stole me away for the longest time all I saw was the abyss, mind wandering endlessly searching for any signs that the afterlife would be more than just this void.

The moment that changed everything was when off in the distance where once before I had seen the blue hue, my eyes were met with another glowing beacon, small at first the imperial color radiated through the darkness.

Its presence immediately grew strong, loud, and angry, unlike the calming effects I had witnessed from the previous royal hues. My body...or mind...whatever was left of me, began to shift drawing nearer and nearer to the new disturbance.

To my surprise upon arrival at its glowing edges it was as if I was looking straight out into the world I had been so quickly ripped away from, eyes fixated on the figure of Kylo as he violently destroyed our quarters. Never had I seen him so...tormented...I could feel something for the first time in what felt like years, I could feel the incredibly deep aching pain throbbing from inside him.

I could feel the rage soaring through his veins down to the tips of his fingers clenching hard against his saber, the painful satisfaction he felt from wrecking what was left of our lives.

Tearing away at everything that would remind him of me...of us...for hours I sat helpless on the other side of this darkened barricade.

Finally giving up when I realized he couldn't hear or see me the way I could him, every single part of me wanted to show him I was there...I saw him...I felt him...I loved him... but instead, I watched that beautiful man crumble to the floor defeated and alone. For at least an hour we laid side by side, inches apart yet lifetimes away.

I could hear him sobbing, feel the hot breath of his whimpers, but still, he had no idea I was there. Trying to reach out and touch the stray piece of hair strung across his forehead my fingertips were met with resistance, unable to push beyond the abyss. Softly I cried, for myself...for Kylo... for everything that had happened between us and for knowing how much he was hurting and it had all been my fault.

Watching him curled up on the floor clutching the small remaining objects once belonging to me, his breath began to shallow and his grip loosened around the crystal he so desperately clung to, bitterly as his consciousness faded so did the hue until he finally fell asleep cutting the connection between us completely off, once again leaving me to bask in the darkness alone once more.

The raging color returned quite often for a couple of weeks, it would always be the same, small at first then quickly raging with an overpowering rage it would fill the spaces of darkness around me and illuminate Kylo allowing me to see whatever it was that was upsetting him.

Anything from the lounge room he also tried to destroy, to the growing number of first-order staff members unfortunate enough to cross his path, it flared each moment he was near Hux as well that one baffled me but none the less I could feel the hatred flowing within him.

The number of fits began to fade as the light within him faded even faster it would be a while before I would see any signs of Kylo again, seeing him through anger was never optimal but I'd gladly take any opportunity to see him over this unbearable darkness.

Each time I would push myself harder and harder to break through the wall between us, I knew that it was possible, Kylo had mentioned in his journals of life after death, a special connection with the force.

But my training was minimal and my mind weak, it proved harder than I ever thought it would be.

Finally, after longer than I'd like he called out to me again, only this time his hue was blue...calm...sad...familiar...this time he was Ben, lying in bed his heart ached for me stronger than fear, even stronger than his anger, it was pure sadness, pure regret.

He needed me more now than he had in the few months I had been gone, taking my place beside him my hand again reached out for him only to surprise both of us with the smallest of sparks.

Could it be? Did I finally breakthrough?

His eyes shot open and by the pale expression strewn across his face I knew it had been done, I returned to him at last.