Honey and Spice | ✔️

Chapter 12

Derek bites his lips and looks away, ashamed. Yeah, you should be. I cross my arms and glare at him. Then, he looks at me, his blue eyes glassy.

“I’m so sorry, Ryder, I really fucking am,” he says. “I’m sorry that I did that, I- ” His voice catches. “I wasn’t thinking, so. . .” He wrings his hands frustratedly as tears drop on them.

I have every cell in my body bent on remaining angry at him, but something in me breaks. Maybe it's because Derek is crying, or because I’m the one who made him cry. I actually feel sorry for him. Ugh, this stupid soft heart of mine. I’m so bad at being bad.

Derek advances towards me and puts his hands on my arms. “But I liked you, Ryder, I really do!” and then he says quietly, “And I hated myself for it.”

Tears prick my eyes - I don’t know why. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, trying to release myself from his grasp, “but I like- ”

Nathan, say Nathan, Ryder.

“S-someone else,” I manage out, my voice quivering.

Derek is too close again. He looks at me pleadingly, silent tears running down his face. Too close. The air feels thin, and claustrophobia starts kicking in. I feel my throat constrict and I struggle for air, fighting the hot tears from bursting out of my eyes.

I need to get away from him.

I need to get the hell out of here.

I frantically remove myself from him and stumble away. In my peripheral vision, I see Nick. Thank god it's Nick. I try to walk calmly towards him, but seeing concern on his face snaps a string in me, so I practically fall into him. He catches me and helps me up. I look at him, a blurry haze of Nick, and try to tell him to take me home using telepathy. Nick glances at Derek and nods at me, seemingly having received my message, and helps me outside to his car.

I don’t look back. I can’t. I can’t look at Derek.

But I can hear him. I don’t want to, but I can.

I climb into the passenger seat. Pressure builds up in me. It fills my lungs and flows through my veins and taints my blood and blocks my brain. I need to let it all out before it consumes me from the inside or I will spontaneously combust, or both. I need to release all these emotions.

So I do.

Once. Twice. And again.

My throat feels raw. My head is still spinning so I clutch the dashboard, steadying myself.

Pathetic.

Crybaby.

I’m screaming again, “Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!” and I’m screaming this over and over again, clutching my head to stop it. Stop the voice in my head.

I can’t.

All the strings in me snap. My emotional dam breaks. I double over, crying. I gasp for air multiple times, but instead, I choke on my tears.

Derek likes me.

That twat.

And I feel. . . sorry for him.

Why?

That's because you're weak.

Worthless piece of shit.

SHUT UP.

I let out a pained moan, like a wounded animal. As much as I try to block him out, to not let him in my life again, he’s still there. Haunting me, my mind, my soul, and I hate it.