My Year with Grandma

Unwanted?

"When did you know?"

"Same time we all knew for sure. The moment you were born, and you looked up at us with those coal black eyes of his."

"Did my dad know?"

"Yes, he did. But he loved your mother with his whole heart and you were his pride and joy. He loved you as any good father should have."

"I just don't understand how they could..." I got out of the car without finishing the sentence. I walked into the house and leaned against the closed door until I heard the car pull away. I looked around at the house and realized there really wasn't anything to do. It was already clean and dust free. I checked the refrigerator to make sure it was on and cold. Checked the sink for water, flushed the toilets and check the stove for functionality. The bedding in the large bedroom was clean but the dresser and the closet were full of what I assumed was my parents' belongings. The smaller bedroom contained a small toddler bed, a toy box and dresser with some clothes in it. The closet in that room was empty.

Gram had mentioned they wouldn't need both bedrooms, so I figured I'd just move the clothes into the kid's room. My room. Its walls were adorned with my baby pictures and drawings I had done. I mindlessly rummaged through my old dresser, looking at each tiny outfit hoping for some random memory of this place to show itself. But it didn't. When Mom left, she left everything behind, including any memory of life here.

I went back to the main bedroom and started moving the clothes. When I got to the top shelf of the closet, I came across a shoebox that was too heavy for shoes. Of course, curiosity got the better of me and I looked inside. It was full of cards addressed to me but never mailed. I sat on the floor and dumped the contents out in front of me. I opened the first one I grabbed and found a birthday card that read 'To my special girl who is 7 today' with a picture of a giraffe in a birthday hat. Inside was stamped 'Happy Birthday' with a handwritten note that read I miss you so much my little Magpie. I wish I could hold you and tell you how much I love you. It was unsigned.

The next card was for my fifth birthday with a similar message. The next was for Christmas two years ago and it read 'I wish I knew where you were and that I could tell everything. I love and miss you Magpie.' Again, it was unsigned. Unmailed. I was really beginning to hate my mother.

My whole life I thought it was just her and me. There was no one else to call family. I had no siblings, no cousins, no uncles or aunts and the only grandmother I knew of, I met once when I was about ten and then never saw again. All these years that I spent alone while Mom worked two and three jobs to keep food on the table and rent paid. All these years of me trying to understand how hard it was for her to be a single mother all alone. All these years... only to find out we didn't have to be alone. I - I didn't have to be alone.  I had family. I had cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I missed out on knowing my father and my grandfather because of what? Her stupid pride? Her selfish, insane secrets?

My emotions were a jumbled mess. I couldn't figure out if I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry or get up and trash the place. My eyes focused on the name that was written on the inside of every card. Magpie. That was Gram's first breadcrumb. She could have called me anything.  Melissa, Mel, Missy, hell she could have called me Junkie Jr but Magpie was HIS nickname for me. A father's nickname for his daughter and she used it in hopes I'd remember. But I don't remember. I was too young when we left, and Mom made sure not to have any reminders.

She didn't want me here. She didn't want me to find out any of things I have learned here. She'd rather me be a junkie than a part of this family. Maybe she would have preferred it I ran away with the likes of Jude.  Or maybe died of an overdose before getting on the plane. Maybe she would be more at ease if I wasn't around to worry about. Maybe I should do her a favor and get rid of the one thing that ties us both to this place.

"Don't." I hadn't heard him come in, nor did I notice him sitting next to me on the floor, but his voice cut through my thoughts like a warm tidal wave. He lifted my chin towards his face so I could meet his gaze. "I know that look, Magpie. Get that thought out of your head." I looked into those coal black eyes and crumpled into his arms. He held me tightly, rocking me gently and stroking my hair, until my tears were spent.  I wanted to hate him.  I did hate him until I found the cards.  I was denied my father, my family, but he was denied his daughter too.  I can't be mad at him for that.  But I can't help but wonder how it happened.  How did Jeremy end up on my birth certificate?  How did Jimmy let that happen in the first place?

I sat up when I was able to regain some composure. I gave him an icy stare. "Why didn't you want me?" I asked. "Clearly the only person that didn't know that you are my father, was me. So it begs the question. What was so wrong with me, that you couldn't..."

"No!" He said a little emphatically. "There's nothing wrong with you. It's wasn't like that. It was just..." he sighed. "It's just that Jeremy... You were his world, Magpie. I had never seen him so happy then when you were born. Your mom and you were his reasons for living. I don't expect you understand. I hardly understand it myself, but I just couldn't take you away from him."

"You blame the love of a brother for abandoning your daughter? Nice."

"It's more complicated than that. I tried to be there for you and your mom when he died but by then, she wanted nothing to do with me. When she left, she didn't tell anyone where she was going and we never heard from her again until she sent that letter to Mom several months back."

"Yeah, May said Mom asked for help with me."

"That's the thing. She didn't write for help. She sent a newspaper clipping of one of your arrests with a note that said, 'Like Father, Like Daughter.' Mom immediately flew to Reno to find Sarah and offer to help. She refused at first, but you know Mom can be rather persuasive."

"All these cards... Are they from you?"

"Yes."

"They all say you wish you could tell me the truth and that you love me."

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you. I've been here for almost five months and you have been nothing short of jerk to me the whole time."

"I guess I was scared."

"Of?"

"Same thing you are, I imagine. Rejection." Okay, that stung.

"So, you decided to reject me first?" Would I have rejected him had he told me? Probably. I'm not any nicer than he is.

"Yeah. I'm not proud of that. I wish I could take it back."

"You said you promised Mom something."

"Yeah, I'm not proud of that either. I should have never promised to keep this from you. I am so sorry."

"Yeah, I'm sorry too."

"For what. You haven't done anything wrong."

I blushed at the comment. "For once, you mean?" He laughed a bit. I turned away from him as I added, "I may or may not have pulled a bit of a prank on you this morning."

"If you are talking about the feathers in my bed, I already found them. Very amusing." He neatly stacked the cards back in the box as we talked.

"You're not mad?" I liked this side of him. It was comforting and enjoyable.

"No. It was funny. Jeremy and I used to pull similar pranks on each other growing up." He smiled at his own memory, then his grin became a mischievous smirk. "And I may or may not have retaliated before coming out here."

"Uh oh. Now I'm scared." I giggled.

"Come on. I'll help you finish up here." He said standing up holding the box of cards. He held his hand for me, so I took it. I wrapped my arms around him a hugged him like my life depended on it. He didn't reciprocate at first, but then I heard the box hit the floor just as he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you Magpie."