tryst [sequel] // h.s

36

I want to blame him for this but I can't because I know it's my fault, there's no other way around it, this is on me. I wanted to be an adult and here I am, royally screwing up like one but at least there's no one to deal with the aftermath of disaster I leave behind.

Except that there is and they all have been ringing my phone nonstop for days, which makes me mad, why do they even care?

They shouldn't care, I don't even care about myself, why would they?

It all started right after Christmas, in the morning of, to be specific. I woke up crying from a nightmare and Harry had to calm me down and hold me in between his arms to keep me quiet. I was freaking out again but he was there to save me, but it was so embarrassing.

I felt so useless and so immature, the pity looks from his mum and the comforting words from his sister, and they just thought it was a nightmare but it was the beginning of something even worse.

That genuine joy I had from the night before faded away as I realized, hadn't it been for him and his family I would have spent it alone and no one would have cared, which made me realize I'm alone.

I was surrounded by so many people that I know love me, but I managed to feel so alone. Harry was bringing me comfort but I was way too up in my head to feel worthy of it, then I felt guilty for not being able to forgive him just yet.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I'm having flashbacks from last year, the worst of them and I feel like I'm slowly fading back into my old self. Scared, undeserving, guilty, sad, remorseful.

Why do I feel like this?

It's worse this time, I'm full of rage and anger and I'm letting it out in the only way I know how, harming myself.

Ripping away everything that makes me happy and drowning myself into this mess that's in my head but this time adding alcohol to the equation, I wanted to know what it feels like, what he felt like.

I wanted to be able to understand why Harry did all of what he did last year, the drinking, the partying, and what it brought to him, what made my Harry lie to me like this.

I know I'm letting this affect me more than it should but I can't help it, if I could help it I wouldn't be in a foreign country, panicking in a run-down room on the day of my birthday.

Happy birthday to me, yay!

I want to know the exact moment I became like this because it's all a blur now, it could be the chemicals in the alcohol I've consumed or it could be angsty tightened in my chest, but I'm wondering if this began before I could realize it or even control it.

I had so many chances of doing so much worse to my body in terms of substances but as funny as it sounds, I'm not that stupid or desperate to rely on it.

As far as the company goes, I've spent it on my own, not many people recognize me and I liked it, I was just another stranger trying to mask their problems away by having superficial and plastic fun.

Still, I had too many opportunities to go home with someone else, a stranger, even two people at the same time, both men and women, I didn't even care and I flirted with both. A girl almost ended up kissing me but I backed off and pushed her away.

I didn't want her to kiss me and I didn't want to kiss her, it was insignificant but I've navigated in a remorseful feeling for a whole day, and I haven't been able to face Harry ever since.

All my memory is smeared off, I don't know how I got here and I wasn't even under any influences, just my own head.

I remember grabbing my passport at three am and going to the airport. I even felt reckless and took the tube, I wanted to prove a useless point and I ended up getting followed until the front desk where I bought the first ticket that sounded like a good distraction.