tryst [sequel] // h.s

36

Chapter thirty six

Zara

I've been gone for two weeks.

Today, a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, loved ones and fun turned into a sorrowful one, full of anger, remorse, self-loathing thoughts, and unhealthy amounts of alcohol in my veins.

I don't remember when was the last time I didn't consume any, probably when I arrived. I haven't spent all of my stay here drunk but I always end up the night with a glass of wine, which turns into a full bottle after a few minutes.

Last night I spent it puking, kneeling in front of the toilet so I could empty my stomach, and then I felt like passing out, not because I was drunk but because I had nothing else in my guts to keep me awake.

I ended up eating some fruits and it picked me up but I still felt like shit, and that's how I've spent every other day here.

I wanted a break from everything and everyone when in reality, all I need is a break from myself, that's then the booze comes in handy.

Now I'm up, woken up in a cold sweat and dehydrated from the heat, paranoid and pathetically frightened from my surroundings. I can't seem to find the strength to pick myself up and get up from the bed.

I feel like there's someone next to me, but I can't move my eyes away from the ceiling and the crusty ceiling fan being of no help to solve the increasing warmth in my body. Even the roots of my hair are damped in sweat.

I want to rotate my neck, the bed is not moving but the room is spinning so I can't get up. It's like I'm nailed to this teared up mattress and I want to escape but I'm not able to move. I'm frozen.

I spend a few seconds shivering yet feeling smothered and I can't concentrate on a mindset that will bring me peace and that makes me panic. I feel my chest tightening and all of a sudden I'm running out of air, tears rushing to my eyes and the dizzy feeling comes back.

Why am I torturing myself like this? I did this to myself and now I can't calm down.

I feel out of control again while the water droplets run down my face, going to my chin so then they can sink and roll down my neck, the emptiness inside me starts making an appearance and although it feels like there's a void, the pain is demanding to be felt as well, sharp and panging.

I want to bring myself up, at least my arms, my legs, or my head up but I get stuck, I know I can't move and I won't be able to leave this mindset for a while, I can't seem to do anything right lately.

The beating of my own heart is deafening, so loud and selfishly predominating in my body, as I can't concentrate on anything else. The ringing in my ears, the dryness of my tongue, and the soreness of my muscles are joining as well.

I think I'm panicking.

The mere thought of it only worsens my state, I'm stuck and I'm on my own, had I realized this sooner I wouldn't have brought myself here as I'm the only one to blame, I did this to myself.

I wanted out and I achieved it, then why am I feeling like this?

This is the way of the universe of telling me how much of a screw up I actually am, how I don't deserve the things I have nor the people that surround me, I'm selfish and I'm getting punished for it.

Although, the universe should have more important matters than to torture someone that's already self-hating on their own.

I wanted to be on my own and now I am, why the fuck am I complaining? Perhaps my dad is right and I don't deserve what I have, and I whine over the littlest of things, just like the ungrateful daughter I clearly am.