The Christmas Party

Empty Space

When I woke up, I reached for Thea. I realized I was alone in my bed and the night rushed back to me. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt the tears spring forth before I had any control over myself. When I finally pushed myself out of bed, I looked at myself in the mirror: puffy, red eyes and and dark purple bags. I looked like shit, crying all night.

I sighed and walked to the kitchen, grabbed ice, and put it on my eyes. I realized I was up earlier than I needed to be because I was no longer under any obligation to bring Thea coffee. The thought twisted my stomach and I felt the tears returning, but I commanded myself to stop crying. I had to go to work. I had to get it together.

I applied heavy makeup and although it didn't perfectly hide everything, it helped. I would just tell everyone I got back late last night from visiting family. No one was close enough to me to question it.

I walked into work and felt numb. I offered Jim a weak smile and wave. He smiled back and didn't seem to notice anything. I was grateful I'd never let myself get too close to my coworkers.

I sat in my desk and the first thing I saw were the pictures of Thea and I. I wanted to throw them in my desk drawer because just seeing her face smiling at me was enough to knock the wind out of me. My chest ached with longing for her. I was still beyond confused about what happened, still trying to puzzle out what went wrong. She didn't text me last. There was no phone call. There was no explanation other than she needed space. Space from what?

God, what the hell did I do wrong?

I checked my phone obsessively throughout the day, hoping that I would receive a call or text from Thea with some sort of explanation; I hoped desperately that she would call me and tell me she was stupid, she didn't know what she was thinking, that she wanted me to come over. I needed something, anything.

But she didn't. She was silent all day.

This was killing me. This was actually, physically, impairing my ability to function.

I moved through the day like a zombie, not really paying attention to anything. Time didn't seem to exist while my heart hammered with anxiety in my chest and my stomach kept twisting itself in knots. I didn't eat and I couldn't bring myself to drink coffee both because I felt like my heart might leap right out of my chest if I drank anything to wire me and because something as stupid as a cup of coffee reminded me of Thea.

I wondered if I should have dropped her off a cup of coffee this morning anyway, to show her I still cared, that I would still be here, but ultimately decided against it. Thea didn't want to see me. Thea told me she wanted space; I couldn't violate her wishes, no matter how much I may want to.

I missed her. I missed her so much my chest ached and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I wasn't even myself anymore.

I stared idly at my computer screen for hours. I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to be working on. I didn't even have the energy to care how Monica bragged about the Master's project to anyone who would listen.

I glared at her. This was all her fault. If Monica hadn't been such a bitch and pushed me like she did I would have never asked Thea out like that. We would have never hung out like we did. We would have never gotten close. I would have never fallen in love.

I looked between her and the photos of Thea, the ones that continually broke my heart. I reached for them, my fingers gripping the first one we took together, the night I'd asked her to be my fake girlfriend. The beginning of falling in love with her.

Love.

We'd said we loved each other, didn't we? She told me she loved me. She told me she hadn't felt like this about anyone. She said we weren't moving too fast. She told me all of these things and she said them with such sincerity, such honesty, such passion that I believed her.

So what the fuck?

"Trouble in paradise?" Monica asked, approaching my desk. My hand was still on the picture. I pulled it back like I'd been burned.

I looked at her and I felt a hatred for her bubble up inside of me that I'd never known; I've never known anger like this. I clamped my jaw shut, my heart pumping so fast as the adrenaline coursed through me.

"Everything's fine," I said through gritted teeth.

"Really? It doesn't seem—"

"Can you just get the fuck away from me?" I exploded. Jim was at my side in a second and leading me out of the office. Heads were turned to stare at us but I didn't care. I ducked my head down because I knew I was crying.

"You good?" Jim asked when we'd walked several blocks away from the office. He'd had enough wherewithal to grab our coats. Snow dusted our hair and shoulders.

"I'm fine."

Jim shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and stayed silent for a bit longer. It seemed he'd sensed me calm down because he tried again when I was much less angry.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. What was there to talk about? I didn't even know what happened.

"Did you and your girlfriend break up?"

Did we?

"I'm not sure," I confessed.

"I'm a really great listener if you want to talk."

I sighed and wiped my tears away. He offered me a handkerchief and I couldn't help but laugh.

"You carry one of these around?"

"Yeah, you'll never know when you need one."

Jim looked so earnest and so caring I decided to tell him everything, beginning with a heavy sigh.

"Basically it started when Monica forced me to go to the Christmas party," I began. I told Jim everything: the scramble for the date, Thea's reluctant help, then all the small moments that made me fall for her, our kiss at the Christmas party, bringing her home, then the . . . What? The breakup? Whatever it was.

"She told me she needed space and that was it. I don't know what happened. She hasn't spoken to me. She told me she loved me too. She told me we weren't moving too fast. All of her actions are the exact opposite of what she said. It's like everything was a lie or, I don't know, she's a different person. That's how it seems: she was one person now she's a different person." I shook my head. "I know I'm probably not explaining this well, but I don't know how we went from talking about not wanting to wake up alone and a wedding—even if it wasn't serious—to her telling me she needed space."

Jim hummed, a crease in between his eyebrows while he thought. "That is very strange. I can't really see what happened either."

"I don't know what I did."

"Why did you have to do something?"

"Isn't that why relationships end?"

"Not necessarily. Relationships end because because people don't deal with their bullshit."

"What do you mean?"

Jim shrugged. "I don't know her at all and—honestly—I hardly know you so it's hard to say. But if it seems like nothing happened; something could be happening in here." Jim pointed to his heart and then to his head. "I don't know what she's wrestling with, but it doesn't really sound like you did anything."

"Unless I did."

Jim made a face. "Unless you did, but again, it doesn't like it based on what you said. Something scared Thea and that something is very personal and private and much as she is trying to hide whatever it was something triggered that insecurity and made it more powerful than her feelings for you. Fear is a very real and powerful enemy and it can make people do stupid, uncharacteristic things."

"What do I do?"

"That's not something I can answer for you."

I felt the hot tears prickle at my eyes again. "So I just—what? Let her push me away?"

Jim put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I can't answer that either."

We walked in silence back to the office and when we got back, Jim held me at the door. "Why don't you just go home early? I'll bring your bag down and tell everyone you weren't feeling well."

"Does not feeling well make someone yell at a co-worker?" I asked, feeling like an asshole even if Monica deserved it.

"No, but is anyone going to be mad at you yelled at her? It's Monica."

"HR might."

"Then I'll say you have some family stuff going on and would rather be left alone for a while. I'll tell Monica you're sorry too."

"Thanks Jim. Seriously. You're actually a pretty cool guy."

"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

Jim returned a few minutes later with my bag and wished me well. He told me he would handle everything and I was extremely grateful for his help today. I went straight home and turned on The Office. I didn't bother changing, I didn't even have the energy. I pulled my shirt out of my pants and collapsed on my couch. I must have just fallen asleep because I woke up and it was pitch black outside. My stomach was cramping with hunger and I realized I'd forgotten to eat today.

I reached for my phone to check the time: midnight. I had several texts from Luca but nothing from Thea. Reality hit me again like a slap in the face and I lost my appetite again.

I dragged myself to the bathroom, stripped, left my clothes all over the floor and climbed into the warm shower. I don't know how long I stood in there but I eventually pulled myself out and crawled to bed. I thought about what Thea said to me in the car, about how she didn't want to sleep alone. I reached out my hand felt the empty space next to me and cried.

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