She's My Boyfriend

3 Nasty Wasty

“Right then you miserable lot.” This was how most lessons started. “Get out your books and turn to Act Two Scene Three.” There was a shower of disapproving mumblings and grunts from the class. “Really, work, at school?” The teacher went on. She was in her early thirties and clearly already tired of life. She had these immense mood swings that always caught you off guard and it was often hard to tell if she was ever genuine. Rumour had it that she used to be an actress but failed miserably and so she turned to teaching, apparently the right decision. Alex had a theory that all his teachers were failures and therefore became teachers. His art teacher was a professional but no one bought any of her work so she turned to school life and set up a website where she sold students work under her name. She was now being questioned by the police for suspected fraud. His religious studies teacher was a failed monk but was kicked out of the monastery because he was caught sleeping with three women at the same time. Everyone was surprised he was given a job and found him strange and creepy. “I know life’s such a bore isn’t it my little pretties but you better get used to it because it’s a big old nasty wasty world out there.” The teacher then went into a long dramatic monologue about how tragic her life was and started comparing herself to Cleopatra as she twirled a pen between her fingers she picked from her desk.

“Nasty Wasty?” asked Kim, who was still ignorant to these strange English sayings.

“She means it ain’t very nice out there away from school.” Lou said, raising his voice slightly. He was always explaining things to Kim, even though he was practically English now that he had been living there for most of his life. Kim laughed.

“No it’s not my dad owns a shipping company and makes loads, how else do you think he can afford to send me here.”

“Listen numbnuts.” Lou began before seeing the confused look again on Kim’s face. Alex leant over and whispered an explanation to Kim. “Just coz your parents smoke fifty pound notes and have a gold swimming pool and a diamond plated Rolls Royce doesn’t mean that you can just mooch off them.” Continued Lou who was growing more and more agitated by the ignorance of his friend.

“Yes it does.” Smiled Kim. This was the turning point Lou exploded and grabbed his incredibly large and heavy pocket edition of Julius Caesar and began smacking Kim.

“Idiot!” bellowed Lou. “Lazy stupid rich wanker.” Alex began to laugh, quite loudly and the teacher’s attention soon turned away from her story of how she was nominated for best supporting actress at her primary school nativity play in which she played the donkey to the three latecomers.

“Ahem.” She coughed in a high pitched squeaky tone trying to stop the shenanigans unfolding before her.

“Oh shut up!” barked Lou. This caught the teacher off guard and it took a while for her to remember that she was the one who was in fact in charge.

“How dare you address a member of staff in such a manner. You turn up late to a lesson and then begin to disrupt it, I shall be informing your tutors and you shall all be receiving detentions this evening.” It was Alex’s turn to look shocked now but he soon forgot about it as he fell off his chair laughing at Lou’s next outburst.

“You can take your bloody detentions and shove ‘em up you big fat nasty wasty arse you bloody cow!” The entire class were now watching in silence  at the events  more dramatic than anything Shakespeare could write developed before their very eyes. The teacher began to breathe quickly as if she was going to faint and then ran out of the room in a flood of tears. The classroom erupted into laughed and people began high fiving as they packed their books away and began to go back to their rooms.

“A bit too far there Lou.” Giggled Alex as he traipsed out the classroom with a shell-shocked and bruised Kim.

“Nah, she had it coming.” Lou said matter-of-factly.

“Ow.” Moaned Kim as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re as dense as that bloody book.” Alex laughed again not only was it funny that he was still insulting Lou but it was always hilarious when he swore in English.

“Please shut up, I’ve got the complete works in my room so unless you want to get up close and personal with Mr Shakey then you best keep your mouth shut.” Lou was from London and always liked to pretend he was a cockney gangster despite his own parents being quite well off. His mum was a complimentary therapist which Alex and Kim always thought meant that she was paid ridiculous sums of money to tell people how nice they look. Lou’s dad was an investment manager which Alex and Kim just shortened to professional gambler, but although Lou was from the well-to-do he insisted on putting on this tough guy street act.

“Right guys, what have we got on for the rest of the day?” asked Alex. “I’ve got history and maths.”

“Double chemistry.” replied a dejected Kim.

“Nothing for me,” grinned a smug Lou “just getting ready for tonight.”. The other two just looked at him.

“You going on a date or something?”

“Nope.”

“I bet you are, probably seeing that girl again. You know Kim the one who’s three years below us. You really are a sick bastard you know that right Lou?”

“Listen lady-killer, I forgot how smooth you are with the women, almost proposing to Trish Wilders in the bloody corridor.” scoffed Lou. “No my poor friends we are going to the monster piss up at the art department tonight at midnight.” He rubbed his hands together, eyes gleaming with excitement. “Anyway that thing with her was a one off, I was drunk and she’s only two years junior so it’s allowed, I checked the rule book.”

“What?” Alex and Kim burst in unison.

“Sshh you two, keep calm, all will be revealed in my room. It’s gonna be nasty wasty.”