Chances

Chapter 37

Then Lily looks to face Carina once more, squeezing her car keys in her hands as a few tears fall from her eyes. She can't read Carina's expression, but she's certain that Carina doesn't feel anything remotely close to the agonizing pain burning inside of her right now.

"Happy one-month anniversary to you, too," Lily manages to choke out, right before she leaves the room.

--

Carina watches as Lily slips out past the door silently and lets it shut behind her, leaving the younger girl to stand alone in the middle of the room, completely paralyzed.

Her mind was screaming at her the entire time. It was incessantly telling her to shut up because she could see that she was breaking Lily's heart, but her words kept coming out without mercy. It was spilling out months of subconscious resentment that she had inside of her that she tried so desperately to repress. It worked for the most part, but it was still always there, lingering insidiously in the deep darkness of her heart. Carina loves Lily and there is no doubt about it, but she sometimes wishes she didn't.

Life without Lily was simple and it was straightforward. There weren't any complications or fear nor were there any pressures or suspicions. Carina thought that once she would finally come out to everyone that a huge weight would be lifted off of her shoulders and that she would finally be able to breathe, but it did the complete opposite. She felt small and she felt like she was deprived of air as invisible hands locked itself around her neck. Things changed in that moment, but not in the way she wished it would. And that kills her.

Carina has never been accepted all her life by anyone and now that's stuck with her. It's become such a normal thing to her that she can't even learn to accept herself.

Too many emotions are flowing throughout her that her body is physically trembling, completely overwhelmed. Her chest heaves as heavy, quick breathing slips through her teeth, her eyes look around wildly, and a loud, angry scream suddenly rips through her.

A throbbing headache grows in between her temples and she aggressively picks up one of her textbooks and throws it across the room, the thick cover smacking against the wall and falling on the pillow with a dull thud.

The unexpected violent behavior made her feel a tad bit better and the next thing she knows, she's grabbing everything and anything she can find and chucking it roughly until the room was practically trashed. Pencils, notebooks, backpacks, shoes, pillows-everything was sprawled around the room. But the feelings of release were only temporary and now she's back to the way she was before. If anything, she feels worse.

It's their one-month anniversary today and this is what happened instead. She knew it all along today, but she couldn't bear to look at Lily. She doesn't even know where they stand in their relationship anymore. That is, if they even have one now. What she said was utterly unforgivable that she wouldn't blame Lily if she never said another word to her again.

" Fuck!" Carina curses out loud, mostly to herself. If only she could just get over her god damn anxiety and fear. She wished she wasn't so predisposed to thinking that being gay was a "sin." She wished she didn't care about what people thought about her. She wished she could just be accepted for once in her life. She wished she didn't let any of her personal issues and insecurities get in the way between her and Lily.

Carina carries herself down over towards the bed and buries her face in her pillow, her initial anger diminishing as heartache and sadness takes over. Her body racks with painful sobs and she's feeling lonelier than she's ever been in her life.

And the only person her body craves to be held by is Lily.

Carina slams her fist down on top of the mattress in self-reproach. God, there's no one who she wants more than Lily yet she just fucking pushed her away. She simply can't win. She loves her and wishes she could be the person Lily deserves, but she can't ever be because there's always been a part of her that wishes that she never fell for her.