Vista - Attack on Titan x Reader

CHAPTER SIXTY THREE: If Only

I tried to fight against him as his hand took hold of my cheek, and I was ready to lash out even more, but when I caught sight of those eyes, glossy with real emotion, I froze.
"When I first saw you...I finally found a reason to keep fighting. Every part of me wanted to keep fighting for you, and your future, (Y/N)...even if I wasn't a part of it..."

I was only partially aware of Levi as he stood up and slipped past us, leaving the room in silence. Teaes began to well in my eyes, and I stood there, helpless once again.
"I..I don't care about any of that..." I whimpered, stuck between stepping back or forward. "All I ever wanted...was a parent who cared about me...who wanted me...who didn't hu-"

"If I had known, then I would have done anything in my power, (Y/N)!" It was obvious he didn't mean to yell, and he quickly lowered his voice. "Nobody told me. You never said a word, neither did Dimitri. You never had visible bruises when I saw you. If I had known, I would have killed that man myself."

Ignorance is no excuse...

I had no idea what to do, or what to say. It was true, he had always been around, one of the few happy glimmers of my childhood, but I couldn't help but think of what could have been if he had taken responsibility. I may have been normal. Dimitri may have still been alive.

"You just...thought that popping up every few months...bringing me toys, patting my head...was enough..? You never once thought to actually be a father..? Even after you outranked him...you never even once thought to try and take me away..?" It could never have been that simple, I knew that, but I had to be selfish in that moment.

Never before had I seen such emotion on Erwin Smith's face. He was teary eyed, and sincere in every form, and it caused my chest to ache.
"Every day. Every damn day, (Y/N). By the time I was in any position to make any claim that would he acknowledged, you were gone. Nobody told me, for weeks, but the moment I found out, I looked everywhere for you...inside and outside of the walls...but there was no trace..."

He reached forward to wipe away my tears, and I allowed it, staring into his chest instead of his eyes. His reasons were far beyond my understanding, but at the same time, part of me seemed to get it. It hurt, but things had changed. He had been the one to cruelly give me a life I had never asked for, yet he had also been one of the few to pick me up and give me a chance at living.

Again, I allowed him to touch me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arm, and what was left of the other, around me.
"I...don't know what the fuck to think. I need time..." I murmured, just leaning against him as he held me.
"I understand...I just want you to know that I always have loved you. Even if I have been the worst father...ever since the moment I first held you in my arms...I've loved you..."

Closing my eyes and choosing to loosely hug him back, I tried to calm myself down, my typical defence against emotional trauma rising back up to make a mockery of the situation.

"I'm so freaking glad I didn't inherit that eyebrow gene..."

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"That's..." Armin stared at me in shock as I sat across the table, leaning back on my wooden chair.
"So messed up..." Sasha added, actually having paused mid-bite to speak. The others just stared at me in stunned silence. I had finally revealed to my squad - my friends - the reason as to why I had been found beyond the walls.

"So, yeah, that's my story. Thought it was about time to open up about it." I sighed, indifferent to their reactions. I had chosen to keep my newfound relation to Erwin a secret, save for Levi, who I still hadn't seen since he had fled the room earlier that day.

"To think a parent would do such a thing..." Mikasa murmured, looking over to Eren as his fist closed against the tabletop.
"Why haven't they been arrested yet? They're just gonna get away with what they did to you?"

Shrugging, I leaned back a little further, putting a whole lot of faith in my heels and the back legs of my chair for support.
"I have no proof. Only my word against their's. I don't care what happens to them anymore, as long as they stay far away from me."

Everyone seemed to hum in agreement with me, but most were unsure of that decision.
"Well, now I get why you were using me as cover this morning..." Connie murmured, leaning against the wall by the door. "You should've said something! I would have given them a piece of my mind!"

Yeah, and then gotten bitch slapped like Levi...

Teetering, I scoffed, not feeling my heels begin to lose traction.
"I had it handled. Besides, after Winnie gave them a stern talking to, I don't think they'll be-ohfuckingshit..!" I yelped and cussed as I began to tip too far backwards, but I didn't fall far. Tilting my head back, I found myself peering up at Jean's face, that was smiling softly at me.

"Just let us know if they ever try to hassle you again. We'll put a stop to it, won't we?" When he addressed the room, everyone agreed in a heartbeat, and I almost started to get emotional again. Sitting there, seeing so many friendly faces around me, I suddenly realised why I couldn't be completely mad at Erwin for the choice he had made.

If things had been different...then I never would have met any of you, would I..?

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***That trailed off to corny shit at the end pffft.

Next Time: Responsibilities***