KillSwitch ─ s. rogers ✓

three

For clarification, this book was mainly written before Endgame, so at the time, I didn't know Steve was Peggy's mysterious husband and wrote this story going off of what we knew about her life beforehand. I'm not a PeggySous shipper, but it seemed plausible.

★★★

1949

ALEXANDRA'S father died long before she was born. They had no pictures of him on the wall or anything that belonged to him. Alexandra was too young to know that there was something "missing," so it was her normal. She noticed that other kids had two parents, but it never struck her as something she was "supposed" to have. The two of them functioned just as well as any two-parent home on the block, maybe even better. They didn't need someone else.

However, being only a toddler, it also had yet to occur to Alexandra that maybe her mother might want to have someone else around.

For a while, it seemed innocent. Daniel was a friend, Peggy told Alexandra, so he came over from time to time. He occasionally stayed for dinner. Sometimes Peggy would leave Alexandra with the neighbor girl while she spent time with Daniel out of the house. She spent time with other friends too. Nothing about it felt weird. Until, that is, when Alexandra looked out of her bedroom to see Daniel kissing her mother rather intensely in the living room. Peggy definitely didn't do that with her other friends. Alexandra had no idea what it meant, but it felt very strange and very wrong to watch.

Then one night, Peggy came home with a wide smile on her face and a ring on her finger that Alexandra didn't recognize. Peggy sat down on the couch next to her.

"What's that?" Alexandra pointed to the ring. This ring had a thin gold band with a modest circular diamond. She liked sparkly things, so she was mesmerized by the gem. "Pretty."

Peggy studied her like she didn't know what to say. She didn't look angry or upset, just unable to find words.

"You like Daniel, right?" she asked. Alexandra nodded. "You know that he and I have been spending a lot of time together..."

Two seconds in, and Peggy was flailing. The issue with having a toddler was that Alexandra was too old to be aware of things changing, of the fact that they would be living with Daniel soon, but too young to understand the concept of dating and marriage and why Peggy wanted to marry him. She didn't really want to whip out the "when a man and a woman love each other very much" card, but this was not going well.

"Allie, do you know what it means to get married?"

"No." Alexandra shook her head. "What's that?"

"It's what happens when two adults decide they want to spend their lives together. They kind of...they make a promise to each other that they're going to be with each other forever." Peggy felt Alexandra's eyes glued to her expectantly. "And that's what Daniel and I want to do. Which means that he's going to live here too."

Alexandra just stared at her mother. This was her apartment. Her and her mother's apartment. It had only been the two of them there, just as it had been in any other place she'd ever lived. The idea of someone else, even someone she liked just fine, being there too was difficult to process. Until this very moment, she didn't know it was possible for this to happen, so she'd never put any thought into the idea that someday, her mother might bring a man home and he'd never leave.

"What do you think?" her mother said. Alexandra shrugged. She really didn't know what she was thinking. "It won't be for a while, so you have time to get used to it." Peggy thought about what would appeal to Alexandra about all of this. "And you know what?"

"What?"

"You'll get to be a flower girl."

"What's that?"

"It means that at the wedding, you get to walk down the aisle and throw flower petals everywhere."

Alexandra did like throwing things...

"Okay." She nodded sleepily. That was one good thing about toddlers: they were very easy to please sometimes, especially when sedated by nighttime. Peggy knew this wouldn't be the end of things in the least, but for now, it would keep Alexandra quiet.

She glanced at the clock hanging on the wall and noticed that it was nearly seven-forty-five.

"It's time for you to go to bed now," she said, picking Alexandra up and getting off the couch. The sitter had done the hard part of wrestling Alexandra into pajamas, so she was ready to go down. Peggy carried Alexandra into her bedroom and laid her on the bed. Alexandra watched her mother as she pulled the blankets up to Alexandra's chin.

"G'night, Mom," Alexandra whispered. She still stumbled over the word "goodnight," so that was her best attempt. Peggy leaned down and kissed the top of Alexandra's head.

"Goodnight, Allie." She smiled. " See you in the morning."

Peggy shut off the lamp on the dresser and left the room, gently closing the door behind herself. She lingered there for a moment, studying the ring on her finger. Processing this wasn't as easy as it should have been. She loved Daniel, and she wanted to marry him, but even after coming up on four years, she still had so much guilt about Alexandra. She worried that this would somehow erase the past for Alexandra. As important as it was to move on from everything that happened, because Steve was gone for good, it was more important that Alexandra knew where she came from. Steve deserved that too, even though he wasn't there.

All of this was on a scale teetering back and forth, unable to decide which side won. Peggy knew which side won for her. She just didn't know which side won for Alexandra, and if she chose the wrong one, she'd be losing too.

But she knew Daniel understood. He knew Alexandra was Steve's, mainly because coming to that conclusion wasn't rocket science, and he knew that it wasn't his job to replace Steve in Alexandra's life. Peggy supposed the only real problem here was her own head, her own hesitation. Maybe this was her excuse to avoid overcoming her fear of truly leaving her first love behind. She really didn't know.

Peggy slipped the ring off and held it in her palm. She closed her fingers around it and sighed before heading to her own room for the night.

★★★

I finally updated! It's a Christmas miracle! Merry Crisis to everyone who celebrates, and a happy holidays (or just a happy Thursday) to everyone else!

I figured I'd throw some Peggy in. I've never really written her before, so I said why not.