True Blue

The Ending

I made up my mind to finally end what I had learned about love. I told myself not to give in to the depictions of what stories and movies had taught me. 

There was lust all around me; intentions only looking for a way of relief and distraction of reality itself...

But there is no denying that more than half of me wanted it to. I needed to distract myself with the pleasure that others could almost give me. That for a few moments, I could feel something while feeling nothing attaching towards the person on top at all. 

When that man was pushed out of my life. I was free, but more broken than before. He stole my sanity, my confidence, and killed my soul in the process. I had been gone for a long time, and once he was gone, it stayed that way for a while.  

I was lost. 

Not because of a boy who said he didn't love me. He said he loved me. But the forcefulness of himself upon me told my body that this wasn't it. He lead me to a darker place; into a foggy part of my mind, and left me there to completely erase whomever I was suppose to become in the first place.  

And when being engulfed in your own mind with fear and uncertainty, it is just about impossible to find the exit. He had dominated me, owned my mind and soul, yet my heart was not tainted by the manipulative sounds that left his mouth. 

With every ounce of courage in my heart left, I was able to leave. And thankfully he left me alone. 

Afterwards, whatever I could feel I did.

Hence why having sex with others and feeling something was better than nothing. I've already ridiculed myself and understand that sometimes, you make some desperate decisions in order to find a way back. The problem is when you don't know who you are and continue to search for someone without any idea as to whom they may be.