suffocation | dreamnotfound

june 9th

dream had made an impact on the world or atleast, that's what he kept telling himself. he hoped that he had done his job as a content creator well, finding comfort in the fact that he had made millions of people smile, atleast to an extent. maybe they would remember him.

dream feared being forgotten. he didn't want to burn out with nothing to show for it. while his life had been a partial wreck, he was proud of it.

so, he sat at his desk and turned on his computer, knowing that this was one of the last times he would listen to the start up whir of the fans and blink at the light of the start up screen in his dark room. he cracked his knuckles, taking in a shuddering breath that sent stabbing pain through his chest, and then he began.

~~

hello hello! not gonna lie, i don't really know how to start this blog. i didn't think i'd ever put this part of my life out there, but then again, i never thought i would even be experiencing something like this. i guess life is full of surprises. isn't that what makes it exciting?

i have hanahaki disease, a fatal illness caused by unrequited love. for months, i have been coughing up petals. for weeks, i have been growing weaker and weaker. for days, i have known that i am, if i am lucky, maybe a week or two from death. i am struggling to breathe, intense chest pains, there's blood on the petals i vomit. but here's the thing; i don't think i'm as afraid anymore. not of death, atleast.

the things i fear most are being forgotten and being alone. but, i hope those won't happen to me; i have a great family who will keep my memory alive, and amazing friends. no one understands me when i say this, but i am dying for them.

i had a choice between dying and a surgery that would cure me. clearly, i didn't chose the surgery because i would not be writing this now if i had; i would have been cured back in april. here was the thing with surgery; number one was that i would lose all feeling for the person i love unconditionally, forgetting all that feeling of bubbly happiness they gave to me. number two was that in some odd cases, i would be unable to love anyone at all, platonically or romantically. that would be worse than death. it would be a worthless life and i would most likely end up throwing it away only months after the procedure if i chose it.

i fell in love with my best friend. we've known each other for years, but i've only developed feelings for him one year ago. when i realized what i felt towards him, it almost crushed me. i was not out to anyone, i felt like he would hate me if he found out, and he's straight. it was like a punch to the gut initially.

through all that, i continued falling. call me a hopeless romantic but i had hope for awhile. you guys are probably rolling your eyes, thinking "man, this guy thought he had a shot and now he's dying because this boy didn't love him back, yikes". you're right, i can't deny that, but you guys have never heard the soft tone of voice he uses with me when i am lost in my mind or his laughter or seen the way he smiles.

he's a streamer and my favorite thing is when i'm talking to him while he's live and he smiles at something i say. that is the most rewarding feeling. i could feel so shitty about myself but knowing that i made him smile is enough to make me start to love myself again.

my family taught me the importance of love; my mom and dad have been happily together for quite some time and i've looked up to them for what feels like forever. but this boy taught me what it's like to be in love and be loved, even if he didn't love me in the same way. god, i would be lying if i said it didn't hurt that he only looked at me as a friend, but it was better than nothing. just to have him by my side for all these years was enough.

i'm dying to protect this innocent love of mine. he has shaped me to be the person i am today and the surgery would take that all away. i don't want to think about a life without him, honestly.

it hurts knowing that this is where my path diverges from him, from my friends and from my family. i wish i could have stuck around a little while longer; watch my sister grow up and my friend's platforms grow and always be that encouraging figure that everyone needs. i feel selfish for putting myself above that and letting myself die, but it's my life. this disease has left me nearly no control of my own life, so i guess i had to make a choice myself.

i don't intend for anyone specifically to see this. i just wanted to leave one last footprint of my life behind. maybe one of you lucky few who find and read this suffer from the disease as well and can relate to my life. maybe it will be a solace in one of the loneliest times of your life. but i promise you, you are not alone. i don't know if things will get better, but hey, things can't get worse! (i'm playing with you, seriously. i genuinely believe most of you will have a shot at life and love again.)

i've hurt a lot of people in my life, specifically because of this disease. i've pushed people away and neglected the care they gave me. let me tell you, that was the worst thing you could possibly do. if i had died while i was arguing with one of best friends, i don't think i would ever forgive my dead, damned self. keep the people you care for close and tell them you love and appreciate them as much as possible. i never used to do this enough, but hanahaki disease has changed my outlook on life as a whole. i think we take too many things for granted.

my life is coming to an end. it's a very foreign concept, dying at twenty one with no miracle cure in my week long future. let me tell you, i really am preferring death these days over this nasty cough and the excruciating pain i feel. still, i don't regret falling in love.

on the very slim chances that two specific people see this; nick, thank you for sticking by me since day one. you are the greatest friend i could have ever asked for. and george, you're the one who i look at with stars in my eyes. i was your dream. you were mine. it was always in different ways, but i never complained.

forever and always, i love you guys.

~~

dream knew that his blog wouldn't be found my sapnap or george, but he wanted to write that ending. he shut down his computer, climbing into bed, a wave of peace washing over him. dream felt complete.