suffocation | dreamnotfound

april 21st

tomorrow would mark exactly two weeks since dream had come to the revelation that he wouldn't make it past 21. every day he asked himself how much time he had left. how many more months? weeks? days? hours?

his voice had grown hoarse. his throat scratched consistently and no matter how much water he chugged down, his voice stayed with that slight rasp to it. that was a new symptom he had developed; he had started keeping track of the symptoms and when they developed. maybe it would help him know how much time he had left.

he tried his best to take care of himself. he chugged down three cups of tea a day, joking around with george that he was becoming british just because of a cold and how he would fit right in in england. the jokes felt nice but the tea was useless. dream supposed it was worth a shot, but he stopped brewing tea. it was kind of nasty anyways.

at night, dream had become reliant on benadryl and nyquil. he was sleeping so terribly, up coughing constantly, nightmares plaguing his unconscious mind. he was lucky if he got three consecutive hours of sleep. otherwise, it came in hour long dozes all through the day. sometime, he would pass out on his desk, hitting his head on the table before jolting awake. he was no longer in control of his own body, and that petrified him. it was deteriorating on it's own and all because of love.

he was reminded of a time as a child when he came down with pneumonia. he was coughing so hard he couldn't breathe, and his mom stayed by his side the entire time. she rubbed his back, did breathing exercises with him, took him to the emergency room, and eventually held his hand as he was able to fall asleep after nearly 48 hours of nonstop fear. his mom said she thought her baby was going to leave the world before she did. she would have given up anything to save him.

15 years later, dream was in a similar boat. now, he lived alone with no one to help him through the coughing attacks and the pain.

he just wanted his mom.

~~

"mommy? i'm really sick. can i stay with you guys for a week? text me when you get this. i love you."

dream ended the voicemail and began to pack a couple necessities for his trip to his parents. he acted like he wasn't crying.

~~

he unlocked his parents door, entering to the smell of bread. his sister, drista, rushed to greet him, always excited to see her brother.

"drista don't hug him, he's sick." his mom walked into the parlor, looking at dream with a mix of motherly concern and sympathy.

"oh, mom it's not contagious." dream chuckled warily, trying to wave off her concern. "i'll tell you all about it when dad gets back, but for now, i just really want to go nap."

"you used to be a morning person clay? what happened?"

"mom, i was a morning person when i was like ten. now my sleep schedule is a little all over the place." he said, beginning to walk up the stairs to his room.

"no wonder he's sick." he heard her mutter, sure she was rolling his eyes. he couldn't help but smile.

it was with perfect timing that he went upstairs to be alone, as not long after, his chest tightened and he went into the bathroom connected to his room, making no effort to close the door.

that was his mistake, as one member of the family would know a little sooner about his hanahaki disease than others.

drista walked into the open room, declaring to dream that she wanted to play minecraft with him. she remembered times where she played with his friends, causing havoc on their smp, and times they played when it was just the two of them. she admired her brother's success and work ethic, though she never would have admitted that to his face; she wasn't gonna give him an ego boost. he was strong enough on his own anyways.

which was why walking in and looking to her left to see dream vomiting flower petals left her frozen in place.

dream really couldn't do anything but wait for this attack to be over before he could do or say anything. within this time, drista closed his door and looked at him.

"how long have you been sick?" she asked, tears shining in her eyes.

"two weeks." dream said, stepping further into the bedroom.

"i've heard of the sickness clay. hanahaki, right? i mean, i'd rather be wrong but i think that's what it is." she rambled for a moment before sinking to the floor.

"yeah." dream sighed, wiping his hand across his face and sitting down next to her.

"and you're gonna get the surgery, right?"

dream couldn't respond as though the breath had been knocked out of him. his response was below a whisper.

"no."

"no? clay, you have too! this isn't a joke, you have to make sure you heal. you need that surgery."

he hated that she was right but he made his decision on the first day.

"drista i can't risk losing all of my feelings. i want to love, even if it kills me. i think i'd feel lost without it."

"what are you going to tell mom and dad?" drista asked curiously. she kept her voice strong, even though tears were spilling out.

"to them, there is no surgery. never mention that in front of them. i think it would hurt too bad, telling them that i'm allowing myself to die."

"it hurts me too, you know." drista said, hoping she could convince her older brother to reconsider. she didn't want to lose him; the weekly visits, the games and the family time, all of it would be dull without dream's tea kettle wheezes and loud humor.

"yeah, i know." it hurt sapnap too. it would hurt his parents no matter what, and he was sure it would hurt badboyhalo and his other friends too. "i want to do this for you guys though. i want to die loving all of you. what if i lose myself after recovery, becoming less of myself because i lost so much of the happiness that became me?"

drista stayed quiet before leaning against dream, tears staining his shirt a darker color than before.

and in the sibling's true fashion, she tried to make a joke.

"so georgenotfound really has you whipped, huh?"

dream laughed, glad for his sister's wittiness.

"guess so. that's another thing: i'm gonna come out to them this week. i have to before i go. do you think they'll be accepting?"

"clay, they'll be so proud of you. we are all so, so proud of you." she said, choking on sobs. she meant those words more than almost anything she had ever said before.