suffocation | dreamnotfound

june 2nd

"dude, i am going to come back down to florida or something just to help. this is insane."

dream sighed; he had been struggling more and more each day. his hands felt like ice, shivers racking his body even in the florida sun, and his chest constantly felt like it was squeezing in on itself. he was a shell of who he once was, and it killed sapnap to see that.

"my parents stop by every day, it's not like i'm alone. besides, i can manage myself."

"if managing yourself means wallowing in self pity for eight hours a day, yeah i'd say you're doing great."

"here's the thing sapnap; i don't pity myself, not really atleast. i wish this didn't happen to me, yes, but i am still getting to control atleast some part of my life. i was the one who decided to die for love; isn't that dying to save myself?" dream questioned, his voice steady.

sapnap's voice was the opposite of steady; anyone could have noticed that he barely had it together, his voice thick with tears. "how is dying saving yourself? how could you possibly see it that way?"

"because maybe i'm selfish. maybe i would rather die than live sixty, seventy more years never to love again. if i get that surgery, all my memories with george are gone. maybe i would rather be in control of something with this fucking disease. if that makes me selfish, then i am selfish nick, and i am not sorry for it. this is my choice; don't act like it's yours."

"well then i have a question for you, clay; is it so selfish to want your friend to live? is it so wrong? think about that. just think for once!"

with that, sapnap hung up the phone. he slammed his desk, tears obscuring his vision, a mixture between anger and grief bubbling up inside of him. what did dream really expect of him? did dream realy think sapnap wouldn't argue against his choice? for someone supposedly smart, he seemed to misjudge human nature.

sapnap had to do something about this. so, he picked up his phone, his fingers shaking as he went to dial george's number. it was time to put an end to this.

maybe sapnap was selfish. maybe he wouldn't regret it.

if george knew what was going on, maybe he could get into dream's head. whether george let his guard down and let himself fall in love, or convinced dream to get the surgery, it would be worth it. sapnap knew he was out of place to do this, totally overstepping his rights, but wasn't it for a good cause? he told himself he was a good person before hitting the call button.

"sapnap?" george's voice felt like it echoed in sapnap's room, jolting the texan. it was now or never.

sapnap stayed quiet for a moment, gaining his composure before responding. his heart beat rapidly. "george, hey! i didn't mean to call you there, that was my bad. you're too boring to talk with so i'm gonna hang up now."

"okay," george said, drawing out the word, confusion lacing his tone. "whatever you say."

"wait! dream is having a bit of a bad day, so be extra gentle with him today. i'm sure he'll appreciate that."

"oh, sure! i never mind helping him, even if he is a bit of an ass when he's upset." george laughed quietly.

"you're a good friend, george."

"so are you, nick. talk to you later."

sapnap hit the end call button and promptly chucked his phone towards the bed, watching it as it bounced off it and fell to the floor. he crumbled to the floor, burying his face into his hands. he understood now why dream didn't want to tell george about his hanahaki disease due to fear of the fact that george would blame himself. what dream never took into consideration was the fact that sapnap would feel responsible, too.

back in florida, dream told sapnap not to blame himself. yet, that was all he could do. was he really a good friend if he didn't save dream?

sapnap hated this feeling. he had no intent of telling bad what was bothering him, but he texted the boy in hopes of comfort. bad was always willing to listen.

~~

dream jumped at the sound of his phone going off, and jumped again when he saw that it was george who was calling him.

"hello?" he said, his voice shaky.

"hi, how are you doing?" george asked tentatively, trying to probe his friend into opening up without forcing it.

"i'm...okay, i guess. not the best. not the worst."

"you sound like you've been crying, dream. is something wrong?" george's voice was gentle, something that dream never got tired of hearing. for months, dream had felt comfort when he heard that voice; every late night when he needed support, dream had called him. even if things had changed, this time was no different.

"i feel like i have ruined everything! i keep pushing people away and still, i am so lonely. it's killing me, george. i don't know what to do anymore."

"listen to me; no matter what you do, all of us will have your back forever, even if you push us away in rough times. you are stronger than you think and i believe in you. i don't know exactly what's wrong though, so i don't know how i can help."

"i don't want to talk about what's wrong. i just needed to hear those words. they mean so much to me."

"i'm glad dream. i am always here for you when you need me."

"i wish that one day, i can be able to hug you as comfort. i can't even express how calming that would be; i could hug you for hours." dream rambled, hoping that george didn't take this awkwardly.

"i like being able to bring you solace." george answered honestly, though he couldn't imagine letting dream hug him. that was too close. what would his parents think? obviously though, he would never say any of this to dream's face. george wanted to make him happy, and saying that he wouldn't let dream hug him would do the opposite.

"you help me more than you could ever imagine. i'm a bit busy today but i am really glad you called so i could take a moment to feel better. you mean the world to me."

"i'm glad dream."

dream sat in his chair for a moment after the call ended before grabbing the garbage bin in his room and retching into it. this was his definition of busy.

this time hurt tenfold compared to other times. it felt like his lungs were on fire and he could hardly catch his breath, feeling as though he were being strangled. the world went fuzzy for a moment before his eyes cleared again.

at the top of the bin was an entire flower.