suffocation | dreamnotfound

may 27th

as the days went by, dream had been feeling more and more alone. he knew he had so many people who cared for him, but not one of them could begin to understand what the disease did to him. it wasn't their fault obviously, but it didn't help the crippling loneliness that dream felt his chest ache with.

however, there were other people out there with hanahaki. it may be a rare disease, affecting very few, but he knew that someone else out there was sick too. if he could reach out, maybe that feeling would subside a little. he wanted to be heard, and someone who suffered like him would listen.

so, that was how he ended up spending hours at his computer, deciding to search through every single social media platform just to find someone who struggled like him. and when he said that that was hard, he meant it.

dream was met with countless of accounts and posts with the words "hanahaki disease", which for a moment made him think there was more people suffering than he thought. but once he began to click through, he saw how much of it was art, photography, and cosplay and his heart sunk. it would be no easy process.

instagram had been unsuccessful, which he had figured would happen. he just didn't think that photos of blood and petals would do great on the app.

twitter had been even less successful, in his opinion atleast. he was absolutely shell-shocked at the amount of content there was but how none of it was real. it felt like a blow to the stomach when he thought about how people out there don't even believe in the existence of this disease, but then again, he could not blame them. he spent hours on the app before giving up, feeling as though his head was going to explode soon enough.

dream took a deep breath, trying to curb the looming threat that he had no one brewing in his head. he would just continue searching further, ignoring the issue and crossing his fingers for luck.

it was nearly four hours later before dream finally found something that caught his eye. it was a blog containing almost thirty detailed posts about the author's struggles with hanahaki. dream's heart raced as he began to read the first post, feeling like he finally found someone he could connect with.

"my name is amelie, and i am nineteen years old. there's not much to know about me except for the fact that i like writing and art, and my aspiration was for my voice to be heard. here's something else: i'll never be older that nineteen.

i have hanahaki disease, which is going to kill me. i fell for my best friend over a year ago, and things were great. but she broke up with me because she felt we didn't have the same connection we used to. we didn't even stay friends. i was heartbroken. to all who are reading this, i have an obvious secret; i still love her. now, i will die for it.

hanahaki disease forms from unrequited love, something that many of us have probably faced at one point or another. i don't know why we don't all suffer and die from hanahaki, but i guess maybe it has something to do with how we love? how intense it is and whether we could ever move on? and i guess that's why i would chose death over a surgery and losing all those memories and all that love i feel for her; because i can't see myself with anyone else. i am hung up on what we once had and how i want it again.

i'm starting this blog to write down my journey with this disease. one day, it will be all that's left of me. but for now, i'm still here. if anyone else who suffers would like to reach out to me, all of my contact information is on my page."

dream exited out of the post to click back onto her blog page, skimming through almost all of the posts. she detailed her symptoms and when they developed, what made them worse and how she coped, how she made the most of her time and stopped fearing the inevitable. she seemed millions of times stronger than dream, and he was envious but proud of this person who he did not even truly know.

it hurt to read through this girl's worsening symptoms. with each post, he got the feeling of a sense of urgency, feeling rushed even if there was still atleast a couple of weeks of life left. more than often, he felt that same way.

when he finished reading through all the posts, he typed in amelie's email address, beginning to pour his heart out.

"hello! my name is clay, and i have hanahaki too. it's been a long six weeks since i diagnosed myself and i feel like i'm losing everything that makes me who i am.

i also fell in love with my best friend. he doesn't know and i don't plan on him ever knowing. my biggest fear is what happened to you; that he will leave me and i won't even have a best friend. but, let me just say, you are handling this thing a lot better than i am.

how do you not let death scare you? i don't want to leave everyone i love behind. the thought of never being able to complete things i dreamed of since childhood scare me. i don't even have a quarter of the strength that you do.

i'm reaching out because i feel unheard with this disease. i told a friend and my immediate family, but i think that they think i am selfish, just letting myself die this way. i hope you're doing alright under circumstances like ours."

dream sent the email, smiling slightly to himself. he wanted to tell sapnap but he didn't want the boy to take it personally if he just outright said he did that because he felt alone. sapnap had helped him immensely, but he hoped this would be help mixed with comprehension. he leaned back into his chair, exiting out of his email as he knew the girl would most likely not respond instantaneously, and looking over at the blog once more before exiting out of that too.

but as his mouse hovered over the red x at the corner, his eyes had caught something he didn't know how he could have ever missed. the last post had been written back in january.

the girl he just emailed was six feet underground. it didn't even sound like that last article had been her ending; she made it sound as though she had so much fight left in her, ready to survive for weeks more.

if someone that strong could end so quickly, what did that say about how dream would meet his end?

dream thought about why death was such a petrifying idea for many minutes after that. none of it had to do with death itself; if he thought about it hard enough, really that would help him never be in pain again. all of it would end. it was the thought of never living again that scared him. he had tasted life and he had enjoyed what it had given him. now, he would be quickly stripped away, never knowing quite when his time would run out until it was too late. dream couldn't breath in fresh air or hug his friends or make an impact on others once he was gone. and in less than a hundred years, he would be completely forgotten. everyone who knew dream would be gone too, and with them, all reminants of him.

the day had come to a close, the moon bright in the sky, something immortal compared to humans.

somehow, dream felt more alone than before.